For those who don't know I grew up as a member of the LDS Church. I first want to say my intention is not to offend anyone, but rather to share my genuine feelings and experience.
Hmmm where to start? When I look back on my years being an active member of the Church the parts I enjoyed most were making friendships and just having a blast at boy scout activities and hanging out with the friends I made. As far as the religion aspect of Church such as studying and lessons and such I never really got too much out of it in my early years. It was more like I was just their because that's what everyone else was doing. Looking back there are a lot of positive things that I take from those days, but all in all the Church has had a very negative impact on my life. Let me explain.
I'd just like to clarify, when I say Church, I don't mean any of the individuals. I'm talking strictly about the institution. Being the curious dude that I am, it was just a matter of time before I'd experiment with different drugs and alcohol, and then there is the stuff that I know everyone loves talking about. Masturbation and pornography. Lets just get right to the point, in this day and age pornography is basically as widespread as food and water. Being a dude (sorry can't say how it is for the ladies) it is pretty much inevitable that you will view pornography at least at some point. Why can't we just be open about it? I mean my goodness. Now, here's one word that I rarely use. Hate. I hate how the Church demonizes these kind of behaviors, especially the sexual ones, because all it does is create this cloud of darkness that only gives it more power. The belief that these behaviors are an "abomination to the lord" is so much worse than the actual thing! The fact that the Church doesn't openly discuss something as natural (masturbation) as eating is messed up in my mind. Because what does that do when you inevitably (and if you don't at some point you are probably a space alien) masturbate? It makes you feel like it was somehow wrong, and it's a terrible sin, and it creates this feeling of guilt that goes along with it. At least that is what it did to me, and so for many years I wasn't open (meaning I didn't tell anyone) with what was happening and what that did to me brings tears to my heart just thinking about it. Slowly slipping away into a black hole of guilt, shame, and self hate. Because it's terrible you know? Experimenting with mind altering drugs, pornography, masturbation. It's all so very bad. Right? It took me about three years to finally tell my parents, with tears in my eyes, that yes, I have masturbated and looked at porn. Goodness. Not a year later, my parents moved up to Washington and I moved with them. This was the absolute worst time of my life. The seemingly never ending dark gloomy weather, along with the inner black hole that was still consuming me, made me feel distant from everything and everyone. Trapped. Isolated. Miserable. I was a sliver of a human being, but I learned how to put a fake smile on my face and act like everything was ok. I was completely psychotic. I was absolutely convinced, and I mean absolutely convinced that I was going to hell. I mean I took a bunch of drugs and masturbated and looked at porn, so I must be a terrible sinner going straight to hell. Right?
I'll take a little pause there, and say that this isn't meant to be a confession, I'm just sharing how the Church has impacted my life, and I'm not one to sugar coat. This is my experience. Period. I'm not afraid to share my deepest feelings and experiences with the world, because I know, at least I hope this will help someone or maybe make you question your own beliefs to develop a deeper understanding of your own truth. At the end of the day, all I have to relate to the world is my own experience. Put in the most straightforward way, freak, man, the Church really fucked with my head. About a year after living in Washington I moved back to Utah and I was getting a little better, but still in a deep dark cloud. I was still trying to stay active in the Church, and all throughout this span of time, still being a part of the Church, I never felt good enough. And it wasn't true, I was living a really good life, but the belief that I was a sinner and a bad person if I masturbated or decided to drink or smoke one night was like a poison seeping through my mind. Towards the end of 2012 I attempted to serve a mission for the Church but because I ended up drinking one night after more than a few months abstinence they told me I had to wait another six months. After all the effort I put into trying to "do the right thing." I was done at that point. Done with the Church. After more months of guilt and shame I finally started to shed some layers of that heavy burden. I was now on the path of discovering my own truth. My own way. Discovering my own self worth. And I couldn't be happier with that choice. Leaving the Church was the best decision I have made in my entire life.
I'll take another pause right here and reiterate that this was simply my experience. Everyone is different. And that is part of the reason I don't believe in the institution (that's not to say I don't believe in some of the good principles of the LDS Church) of Religion because I don't believe one path is right for every single person on the planet. That doesn't make any sense to me, and frankly that is very narrow minded, to me at least. I know it is a great thing for a lot of people, but for me it ended up really damaging me.
The light started to seep in again when in 2013 I started to forge beliefs about myself that were very positive. This year I met my dear friend Molly, and without even realizing it, she slowly started to change my perception about myself. She saw the genuinely good hearted person that I am. She saw so much good in me, good that was always there, but back hidden in the shadows of programmed beliefs from childhood. Beliefs that stemmed from the Church. Such a great year for me, and it only got better and better.
Another little pause. I still to do this day believe in a lot of the core principles of the Church but one principle that feels so unbelievably wrong to me is that families need to be sealed in a temple to be together forever. That is so messed up, and I don't believe in a God that would do that. Because that is contrary to God's totally accepting, all encompassing, unconditionally loving nature. Please, imagine this for a moment. I've passed on, and I'm with my Creator. He takes a look at the life I've lived, and I see it at the same time, feeling everything, knowing everything I've ever done, thought, felt, everything. He says, man you lived an incredible life, you treated your fellow man with love and acceptance, you made quite a few unwise choices but you tried your best to learn and grow, you traveled the world and developed meaningful relationships everywhere you went, but oh shoot, oh no Andrew, you chose to leave the LDS Church, I guess you can't be with your family forever. Then pointing to some other angels, He says, take him away to one of the lower kingdoms, one where he can't be with the people he loves. Sorry to add some humor into that but that principle is just not true. I know in my heart I will eternally be with my family and friends.
In 2014 I decided to spontaneously buy a one way ticket to London and travel around Europe indefinitely. From talking with different people in Europe, I could still see a lot of traces of damaging beliefs such as unworthiness still inside me, but I continued to work through them. Europe was so amazing for me because I didn't have any technology with me other than a camera and it gave me ample time to really accept myself and love myself and appreciate nature and people on a whole different level. The main realization I had in Europe as I pondered how the Church had impacted my life is this. So we all know how the story goes, because Eve partook of the forbidden fruit all men then became evil and carnal and bad. I don't believe that one bit. The belief that humankind is in someway bad and we're all sinners. What I came to understand is that I am not a sinner at all, I am a fucking human being. To me that was profound, because how does the belief that we are all sinners and bad do any good? I don't need those damaging beliefs to have faith in Christ and what He did for me. In all my experience in this life I have not met one evil or bad person. Not one. I have met a lot of people with extremely difficult challenges though, and guess what that is called? It's called being human. And it's all good. There is nothing bad about being human and having certain impulses and desires and challenges.
Fast forward to today and I am more content then I've ever been in my life, and as hard as it is to feel grateful for all the suffering I experienced, it has made me into the person I am today, and I love who I am, so I don't know maybe it was necessary for me to become the amazing man that I am. I know I am a much deeper understanding person because of all the suffering I experienced.
That's it. This was my experience with Religion.
Just a little note to anyone that has a family member or friend who has left the Church, I think living in that sphere of Religion it can be all too easy to wrongly assume that person must be lost or feeling sad about it. Please don't make that assumption, because maybe it was someone like me, who's experience leaving the Church was incredibly positive. If there is one thing I know in this life it's that you can never assume or think you know what someone is going through, because you don't.
And no I haven't lost faith in my Creator. I will never lose that.
I'll take a little pause there, and say that this isn't meant to be a confession, I'm just sharing how the Church has impacted my life, and I'm not one to sugar coat. This is my experience. Period. I'm not afraid to share my deepest feelings and experiences with the world, because I know, at least I hope this will help someone or maybe make you question your own beliefs to develop a deeper understanding of your own truth. At the end of the day, all I have to relate to the world is my own experience. Put in the most straightforward way, freak, man, the Church really fucked with my head. About a year after living in Washington I moved back to Utah and I was getting a little better, but still in a deep dark cloud. I was still trying to stay active in the Church, and all throughout this span of time, still being a part of the Church, I never felt good enough. And it wasn't true, I was living a really good life, but the belief that I was a sinner and a bad person if I masturbated or decided to drink or smoke one night was like a poison seeping through my mind. Towards the end of 2012 I attempted to serve a mission for the Church but because I ended up drinking one night after more than a few months abstinence they told me I had to wait another six months. After all the effort I put into trying to "do the right thing." I was done at that point. Done with the Church. After more months of guilt and shame I finally started to shed some layers of that heavy burden. I was now on the path of discovering my own truth. My own way. Discovering my own self worth. And I couldn't be happier with that choice. Leaving the Church was the best decision I have made in my entire life.
I'll take another pause right here and reiterate that this was simply my experience. Everyone is different. And that is part of the reason I don't believe in the institution (that's not to say I don't believe in some of the good principles of the LDS Church) of Religion because I don't believe one path is right for every single person on the planet. That doesn't make any sense to me, and frankly that is very narrow minded, to me at least. I know it is a great thing for a lot of people, but for me it ended up really damaging me.
The light started to seep in again when in 2013 I started to forge beliefs about myself that were very positive. This year I met my dear friend Molly, and without even realizing it, she slowly started to change my perception about myself. She saw the genuinely good hearted person that I am. She saw so much good in me, good that was always there, but back hidden in the shadows of programmed beliefs from childhood. Beliefs that stemmed from the Church. Such a great year for me, and it only got better and better.
Another little pause. I still to do this day believe in a lot of the core principles of the Church but one principle that feels so unbelievably wrong to me is that families need to be sealed in a temple to be together forever. That is so messed up, and I don't believe in a God that would do that. Because that is contrary to God's totally accepting, all encompassing, unconditionally loving nature. Please, imagine this for a moment. I've passed on, and I'm with my Creator. He takes a look at the life I've lived, and I see it at the same time, feeling everything, knowing everything I've ever done, thought, felt, everything. He says, man you lived an incredible life, you treated your fellow man with love and acceptance, you made quite a few unwise choices but you tried your best to learn and grow, you traveled the world and developed meaningful relationships everywhere you went, but oh shoot, oh no Andrew, you chose to leave the LDS Church, I guess you can't be with your family forever. Then pointing to some other angels, He says, take him away to one of the lower kingdoms, one where he can't be with the people he loves. Sorry to add some humor into that but that principle is just not true. I know in my heart I will eternally be with my family and friends.
In 2014 I decided to spontaneously buy a one way ticket to London and travel around Europe indefinitely. From talking with different people in Europe, I could still see a lot of traces of damaging beliefs such as unworthiness still inside me, but I continued to work through them. Europe was so amazing for me because I didn't have any technology with me other than a camera and it gave me ample time to really accept myself and love myself and appreciate nature and people on a whole different level. The main realization I had in Europe as I pondered how the Church had impacted my life is this. So we all know how the story goes, because Eve partook of the forbidden fruit all men then became evil and carnal and bad. I don't believe that one bit. The belief that humankind is in someway bad and we're all sinners. What I came to understand is that I am not a sinner at all, I am a fucking human being. To me that was profound, because how does the belief that we are all sinners and bad do any good? I don't need those damaging beliefs to have faith in Christ and what He did for me. In all my experience in this life I have not met one evil or bad person. Not one. I have met a lot of people with extremely difficult challenges though, and guess what that is called? It's called being human. And it's all good. There is nothing bad about being human and having certain impulses and desires and challenges.
Fast forward to today and I am more content then I've ever been in my life, and as hard as it is to feel grateful for all the suffering I experienced, it has made me into the person I am today, and I love who I am, so I don't know maybe it was necessary for me to become the amazing man that I am. I know I am a much deeper understanding person because of all the suffering I experienced.
That's it. This was my experience with Religion.
Just a little note to anyone that has a family member or friend who has left the Church, I think living in that sphere of Religion it can be all too easy to wrongly assume that person must be lost or feeling sad about it. Please don't make that assumption, because maybe it was someone like me, who's experience leaving the Church was incredibly positive. If there is one thing I know in this life it's that you can never assume or think you know what someone is going through, because you don't.
And no I haven't lost faith in my Creator. I will never lose that.