Cruising on the freeway driving into the sunset, my friend Delroy and I were on our way to a massive Halloween rave called Get Freaky at The Great Saltair. I hadn't been to a rave in almost six years so I was very excited, and D-Roy hadn't been to one at all, so I was equally excited for him. In preparation, I made a traditional drink from Kava root that provides (for me anyway) a feeling of deep calm groundedness. We pulled over on the side of the freeway near the exit to pregame a little bit with a bowl of high quality cannabis. On rare nights like these I tend to really go for it, so we bought a couple of cold pressed latte's for an extra energy boost.
Immediately upon entering, with the music bumpin', hundreds and hundreds of people jammin' out, I couldn't help but smile. Within ten seconds I was meeting people. The first two people I met were a brother and sister who grew up LDS. Siblings raving together.. wow.. not something you see often. We continued to explore the venue, and I was blown away when I saw a massage parlor just out in the open. What! This place is ridiculous. I met up with a small group of people and it was obvious, looking into everyone's eyes, that they were high on MDMA, the classic "love drug" that is synthesized from the bark of the sassafras tree. At that moment I made a conscious choice to experience the wonders of ecstasy again after all these years. Knowing this substance is extremely powerful and is not to be taken lightly, I did my best to talk to the dealer about the quality and effects to make sure what I was getting was legitimate. I purchased one pill and immediately bit off half and put the other half in my pocket to save for my friend, who at that point, was nowhere to be found.
Floating around the outskirts and exploring the outside section of the venue, taking it all in, I knew in about thirty to forty five minutes the world as my ego knew it would be gone. The mirror of my consciousness would be washed clean and I'd merge into the essence that I am. Around the thirty minute mark, I walked past the massage parlor, and met a guy who randomly gave me some Chinese prayer beads, and then I saw a homie named Dalton who was working at the massage parlor. I was stoked to see him so I gave him a big hug, and payed for a five minute massage. Interestingly enough, I met Dalton at the Krishna temple in Salt Lake City. Sitting down on the massage chair I started to feel tingly sensations and butterflies dance through my body. An extraordinary physical and mental lightness. Everything was dissolving. All barriers, judgments, beliefs, concepts, thoughts of the past and plans for the future. Every single aspect of my ego and "my story" dissolved into the moment, into what some call The Eternal Present. All the energy in my mind focused on my new Chinese prayer beads, as I whispered the Maha Mantra slowly, which is
Hara Krishna, Hara Krishna
Krishna Krishna, Hara Hara,
Hara Rama, Hara Rama,
Rama Rama, Hara Hara.
Hara addresses the feminine aspect of God, the Divine Mother. Krishna is a name for God meaning All-Attractive, and Rama means the source of all pleasure. I was starting to peak so hard, with Dalton giving me a massage, and chanting the mantra, that every breath was like an orgasm of pleasure pulsing through me. After my five minutes was over I gave Dalton another epic hug, and I had to stop for a moment. I cannot describe the sensations fully in words. I was dissolving into a state of unconditional love. Not a personal love like "I love you." It was paradoxically totally impersonal, yet intimately personal because I was connecting with the Universe in such a way that was beyond space and time and my illusory self. It was like coming out of the womb. Eyes of pure awe and curiosity. Indescribable beauty. I looked around and everything was so beautiful it almost brought me to tears. I made my way to the bathroom and the first girl I met was coming out of the Men's bathroom. What! My smile was monumental. Standing in front of the urinal I felt like Christ. And by that I don't mean Jesus himself, I mean Christ's consciousness. Like I had merged with that Infinite state of boundless love. I literally started giving a sermon as I was standing there. I wanted to make everyone laugh, but at the same time I was dead serious. That is a very real part of my personality I've observed over the years. People may not know I'm serious because I'm always joking around, but behind the jokes I speak the truth of my experience. Whether you want to believe it or not doesn't matter to me. After about four minutes of making the entire Men's room crack up into laughter, I realized my urinary device wasn't working. On the way out I looked into the mirror and my eyes were the biggest black saucers you've ever seen. Pure love oozing out of my every pore. Walking back into the venue I gently stopped a girl that looked familiar. She reminded me of my friend Lindsay who I'd met here seven years prior at this very place. I told her straight up, "you remind me of my friend Lindsay, you are... gorgeous" and her smile was so sweet it made my heart soar. After giving her a hug, I let her go and ventured on. From this state of consciousness and total heart expansion, I just wanted to share the beauty. A feeling of boundless charity. All my senses were enhanced like I can't even explain. The music melted into me, touch was other worldly, and just being with people in that state was joy beyond description. My focus was on people. I just wanted to genuinely connect with people. Don't we all?
While I was chattin' up a storm someone touched my shoulder from behind. It was D-Roy! I was so happy to see him. I immediately took the other half of the pill out of my pocket and gave it to Del, telling him to chew it up. I had the sudden urge to call my parents and share the bliss, so I took Delroy's phone all the way outside and to the top of the hill. I noticed a few people running up from the parking lot through the tall grass in the back, like ninjas creeping through the night. Tried my Mom once. No answer. Tried my Dad and he answered. Words just melted out of my mind and heart. "I took a half a pill of ecstasy. My heart is expanding everywhere. Everything is so beautiful. They have a massage parlor here! Dad I just gave a sermon on the mount in the bathroom!" Impeccable timing as my Mom and Dad were just getting ready for bed and their son calls them from a Halloween rave in a state of total loving bliss. No judgment at all from my parents.
After ending the call I was making more friends with people hanging out on the grass. I kneeled down talking to a small group of people and a dude took out one of his eyes and put it on the grass. I took one look, then a second look. He really had a fake eye! I looked up at the sky and yelped in pure joy. We all giggled together like little kids. They were in the same state as me. Total connection. I'll never forget this girls laugh. Like an innocent witch child. It made my soul sing.
Some guy had a Vietnam style hat with LED lights around it, and I borrowed it for a bit. There were a group of people on the ground giving each other massages and I went behind the girl in back to give her some love. I nicknamed her "Mother Earth." Out of the ocean of love I was expanding into I gave another sermon telling people to hop on the train and people from both sides heeded the message excitedly, like it was the most normal thing in the world to join a bunch of strangers massaging each other. My boy D-Roy was very much enjoying himself.
I spotted an Angel in all white with huge ethereal glowing wings and walked over to her completely mesmerized. I sat down on the grass right in front of her and she did a dance for me. My gaze was intense. Nothing else in the entire world existed except this glorious Angel. After her dance I sprung up like a flower blossoming in two seconds and wrapped my arms around her. Making our way back inside, I was totally hypnotized by everything. People with glowing pacifiers in their mouths, not only for the physical sensations, but as a metaphor for turning into a little child again. People flippin' around lights and glowsticks. All the different Halloween costumes. The laser light show coming from the stage. People trading bracelets via interlocked hands.
My heart was pouring out everywhere. I'd meet people and within seconds just pour out my heart in love. I'd start dance circles and everyone would be jammin' out together in a spirit of unity. The vibes were incredible. I remember talking to a group of people about my costume and how I wanted to create an outfit with the intention of being a source of joy and positivity to those who were going through bad trips, and their responses were so sincere it touched my heart.
I felt so in-tune with that all pervading all intelligent energy of the Universe. I felt like Buddha. Walking around in full-consciousness in the moment I could feel certain people that were having a bad trip, so I'd enter into their awareness and blast any negative energy out in anyway I could. Usually it was with humor. I saw two girls sitting on the ground and one of them had just been sexually assaulted outside. Before they knew it we were all laughing and giggling and I was kneeling down making jokes and that negative experience faded away into the joy of the moment.
Another girl took too much of something and I sat right in front of her helping her to calm down and take some deep breaths and be a comforting presence as she glided down from some other world.
I spotted some hypnotic lights from a distance and floated on over to a guy giving some light shows. I watched in awe and then sincerely asked if I could have a go myself. He was a bit hesitant at first but he let me use his finger lights. Man I was in the zone. Every molecule of my soul was dancing, completely immersed in the moment. People came buzzing in like moths moving towards to the light.
After returning the gloves i ventured on over to the drinking fountain where I dove in headfirst like a bird in the dessert, splashing it all over my face. Water going down my throat felt like pure energy dancing through my cells. I stood up on a chair pressed against the back wall and the laser light show blew my mind.
Someone dropped their fluffy stuffed animal on the ground and it had something glowing inside. I crouched down on the ground, examining this work of art. I found a zipper and slowly unzipped it to find the treasure locked away inside. When I pulled it out I clasped my hands together and bowed down. A moment of pure childlike joy. The people that witnessed this interaction between me and the stuffed animal were laughing hysterically or cheering or a little of both.
What combination of words can I string together to describe what it feels like to be a grown adult, and have my ego and sense of identify completely dissolve into unconditional love and a childlike awe and wonder. There are no such words.
Tight purple shorts and black fishnet stockings. Of course I was drawn in. I asked this woman if I could give her a hug. She said “of course” so we hugged for a while and that led to us dancing, naturally. Our energy was so in-tune. I was glued in at that point. As the music danced through my body, we got to know each other more. We connected in a way that felt like we had grown old together in a different life. I felt like our hearts were One. I’d look at her face and it was sparkling with light. We kissed and it was magic. Moments of timeless bliss. We headed over to the bathroom and we both walked into the Men’s room. That’s when I realized this woman was actually a man, and not one ounce of judgment or guilt or negativity flowed through me. How could such an insignificant thing, such as gender and sexual orientation matter when I already connected with his soul? Finally being able to pee again felt glorious. We danced more, in such bliss. Finally one of his friends pulled him aside and they disappeared into the crowd.
I was in the back of the venue dancing like a wild free bird with other souls when Delroy found me again. I immediately put my arms on him and asked how he was feeling. He looked a little tense. The MDMA sure brought out his emotional caring side. He was worried about me, that I wasn’t drinking enough water. I was touched by his caring thoughts but i reassured him I was drinking plenty of water. “I just want you to have a good time brother, don’t worry about me.”
Someone pulled a phone out and the time said 2:00am. The lights turned on. I could not believe it. It’s already over? I was in shock that it had been 7 hours since we arrived. A chant started, “One more song! One more song!” I was jumping up and down yelling with the crowd, one more song! They didn’t heed our enthusiasm. It was over. Walking outside the cool air felt crisp and refreshing. It had been approximately five hours since I took half the pill and I was still in a timeless state of Being in the moment.
Loads of people surrounded a car blasting music in the parking lot. Me and Del joined in, keeping the vibes alive. Out of nowhere a guy working for the venue yelled at the top of his lungs, “EVERYONE LEAVE, RIGHT NOW.” A lot of us started laughing, like is this guy serious? There were hundreds and hundreds of cars already squeezing into the one road out of here. It’d be at least another twenty minutes before we could even drive out. That didn’t stop this wacko from projecting his anger at everyone. All of us scattered away to our respective cars. Waiting to exit the parking lot we pulled up next to a car and met a couple who told us to follow them. On our way out there were a group of people walking and without even thinking I stopped and was just about to get out of my car and start dancing, but I saw a few cop cars about twenty yards in front of us. Probably not a great idea. I quickly put my Subi into first then sped outta there. Driving on the freeway was dreamy. My mind was still as open and clear as the great blue sky. Following the couples car down a secret way to salt lake I’d never known existed before, they eventually slowed down and we pulled up next to them. “Sorry guys we’re just gonna go home for the night.” No worries.
Coming into downtown salt lake the all the lights were super vivid. We pulled into a 7-Eleven, and it was a bit awkward at first, in my mind, going back to this reality. Ooooo mango juice, that sounds delightful. How about some reese's for old time sake. I walked to the corner where the bathroom was, and seeing the key in the door I opened it, only to have a paranoid looking man’s face pop out of nowhere and slam the door shut. What the hell was that? I was shocked for a moment but unshaken. Browsing the shelves some more i turned around and saw an old man leave, so I assumed the bathroom was free now. I went over yet again, opened it, only to have the same man freak out at me. Wow! The energy coming from this guy was dark. I felt bad for him. For all I knew he could have been coming down from a crystal meth binge in a delusion of paranoia.
Standing in front of the cashier buying my goodies, the man finally came out of the bathroom, and from a distance started mumbling furiously at me. He became so infuriated that he suddenly charged towards me, yanking his dog into the air by the neck, and while I stood there calm and fearless, the store cashier threw half his body over the counter to protect me, and an older gentleman from behind grabbed the homeless man and gently walked him out. As the store cashier walked around I said, “please make him leave.”
I sparked a conversation with the older gentleman who came to my rescue, and he was one of the most down to earth genuine people I’ve ever met. As I whipped out my lighter to light his cigar we had a beautiful heart to heart conversation. He had recently arrived in downtown salt lake where he felt God had called him. He was doing everything he could to help out the homeless and serve others in the area, in his own way. We had a deep conversation about how it doesn’t matter what state you’re in, you can always open your heart and talk with the Universe. There’s no such thing as a judgmental God. I recalled how I prayed several times during the rave, in my own way. At that moment I felt divine love for both of us. We hugged and he got back to picking up trash off the streets. At 3am. What a man.
Three homeless people were outside the 7-eleven and we all talked for a while. Next thing you know my car is packed and we’re pulling into a nearby I-Hop. I told everyone I’d buy them a meal. Still all colored up I beamed smiles at everyone in the restaurant. While we were waiting for the waitress to take our order one of the homeless guys was singing and groovin’ out. It was obvious I-Hop was understaffed. I got up to use the restroom and when I came out my new homeless friend was cleaning up tables, singing away. For the next thirty minutes he cleaned tables dancing and twirling around. What a great example. Seeing how long it was taking we decided to leave, after which I dropped off Mr.Singer dude and then crisscrossed around town while the other two decided where they wanted to go. I was getting slightly irritated going around in circles so I gently said, “guys I’ll give you ten minutes then we gotta go.” We ended up at the same 7-eleven where we first met, and the older gentleman was still cleaning up the streets. It’s 5am now. Me and Delroy decided to drive back to the Krishna temple and call it a night. We pulled into the parking lot just as the sun was coming up, the sky merging from black to light blue. The moment we entered our basement room door from the back entrance, we heard a meeeeeeooooowww. Margie! It was Margie the cat. For all I knew it was Krishna, welcoming us home. I hopped in the shower cleaning all the colors off my skin and hair, melting into the water. Lying in bed I felt my ego and identity coming back into me, as well as my sense of time. This is the point where seven years ago I’d feel such deep and empty sadness, because my life at the time wasn’t grounded and balanced at all. Being more wise I chose to be grateful for it all. For my humanity, my ego, all my weaknesses, and for the wondrous experience I just had. That’s all I could do. Just cherish the experience and do my best to learn from it. This perspective switch banished the comedown altogether.
What did I learn? What is to be gained from this experience? So very much. For one I realized how much my heart has grown over the last seven years. Traveling and immersing myself in other cultures has opened my mind & heart immensely.
Underneath my ego, my attachment to the past, my depression, my lust, and all the other things that prevent me from living in a state of absolute harmony, lies a heart that is so full of unconditional love and infinite kindness and a deep genuine sincere appreciation for myself and therefore all living beings and creatures and plants of the Earth.
All people want is love and genuine connection and to truly be seen and valued.
Humor is Universal medicine.
There’s no such thing as “my story” and “my life”. That’s all an illusion of the self centered ego. What quality is more important than selfless loving service? The kind devoid of judgment and expectation of something in return.
The past and future are parts of the brain. Parts of the ego. In the spiritual sense, the present moment is all there Is. The present moment is All There Is.
It’s all One. In essence what that means to me is that there is only One of us. Everything is connected.
The world is indescribably beautiful.
The qualities of playfulness, childlike awe and wonder are perhaps what I desire to have more of other than anything else.
The qualities of playfulness, childlike awe and wonder are perhaps what I desire to have more of other than anything else.
The soul doesn’t have a gender or sexual orientation or race. The soul is pure awareness.
I feel no guilt or anxiety or worry about sharing the fact that I consider myself bi-sexual now. Open to love and connection in all its many forms. Thank you Kage.
Mind altering substances can be incredibly empowering and enlightening and also incredibly destructive. It’s all about intention and why you use them. My philosophy now is to use mind altering plant substances like coffee, cannabis, kava, and kratom in moderation, and synthetic drugs very rarely. It’s a great place to be.
It’s all Love.
