Pain and Beauty

It'd be nice if I wasn't so physically crippled and broke right now. Driving more than 15 minutes I have to use an ice pack and my back pain/unknown energy killing me starts to flare up. When I saw the Joker the other day (highly highly recommended that movie is so magical and so dark) I couldn't sit up for more than 10 minutes. I had to tell my buddies to scooch so I could take a bunch of seats to lay down.

Anyways, enough about the details about my day to day suffering and pain.

I'd rather focus on the beauties of life. I used my skull as an art project this morning. Painted my hair and beard a crimson red. Added some fun to my costume for today. Red pants with pink and white flowers. A light crimson long sleeve. Fur vest. Light brown scarf with yellow, orange, and crimson flowers. Black and orange nails on my hands. Orange and yellow on my toes. Zip up cowboy boots. Feeling the energy of Fall.

I caught up with a really good friend who recently had surgery to take out his kidney stones. Right when he opened his door he fell to the ground laughing so hard. My colorful spontaneity caught him off guard.

He whipped out some wondrous plant friends. A strain called fortune cookies. Of cannabis that is. Fire. Couple inhales. Mmmm. Smooth. Upon the exhale exquisite piney foresty notes with subtle aromas of burnt citrus in the background. Tickling my nasal receptors. My consciousness instantly takes a deep breath. My body takes a deep breath. I'm breathing deeper into the moment.

I drive up to a spot on my way back on the edge of Bloomington. Sit in my backseat for about 15 minutes while I ice up my back and feel the sun beaming through the back window. Carried away in such melodic music. Beautiful thoughts of dancing for my family and all of us feeling the spirit of love and connection and wonder together, as I let go and let something deeper and more expanded communicate through me.

I love going out into nature. And purposely not bringing anything with me besides maybe some peppermint oil and the occasional piece of gum. So all I have is the immediate moment and surroundings to work with. Lay down on some rocks overlooking a cliff. It's so beautiful here. Take off my shirt and fur jacket. Roll up my pants. The cold alertness of my skin against the rock. The warm sun melting into me. The views are mesmerizing. Green. Orange. Yellow. And crimson red trees. The meandering roads. The different textured houses. The shiny ripples of a few ponds. The smooth exhale of the distant cars. The occasional plane overhead. All against the backdrop of the forever beautiful desert mountains and blue sky. I start smelling the local plants around me, including brigham's tea containing the potent lung stimulant known as ephedra. I love plants. Plants excite my curiosity. Different smells and designs and uses, artisticslly or medicinally, or just to appreciate and be with. I feel the earth with my hand. Talking to the earth desiring for a deeper connection with it. With her. With the divine lover. Start communicating with the sun. See different forms in the distant rock. Sometimes I feel connected to other forms of consciousness. More ancient and free flowing and creative.

Sun slowly elevating my thoughts. Adding brightness to my mind.

Smiling so big on the little walk down to my car. Deeply grounded. It all Is. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do but Be. Huge smiles across my face. Sun toasted peace. I stop halfway and notice some yellow flowers. Upon inhaling the flower essence some blissful moans ooze out of me. So fruity and divine. Nature is so sensual and playful. I stop to lay down on a rock and soak up some more sun. Appreciating every part of the flower in my hand. Whoa. Entrancing creativity. So elegant and gracious. Pure magic.

Some of this writing flowing into my mind, as it’s happening. The philosophers mind. Spelling out some poetry as it’s happening. Explaining the experience to myself in essence, to transcribe at a later time. The yin the yang. The direct experience and the thought describing it. All woven together.

I hear a chirp. So interesting in its uniqueness. Then another one. A conversation begins. A few birds hopping around singing some songs. I’ve never heard anything like it before. Fills my heart with sweetness. What a joy when life celebrates its existence.

Had a lovely lunch. Leftover from yesterday. Coconut red curry with habanero peppers and brown rice noodles. Finished with sushi ginger, toasted black sesame seeds, and fresh lime juice. Joyous bites.

Whip up a quick desert in 10 minutes. Caramelized peaches in coconut sugar, lime juice, and creme along with chunks of coconut chocolate hiding in an a little ocean of vanilla yoghurt ice cream. Yummyness incarnate.

Spelling this experience out in words solidifying to myself how in any given day there is so much more beauty in the world than pain. You just have to stop and breathe it all in.

Late Night Flow

The moonlight is bright 🌔 wide awake in bed. I had to dance with my feet in the grass, covered in shadows. The sound of silk flowing through the air, my movements silky smooth. Mmmm. Longing for a higher freedom found in the flow. Nuanced feelings dancing through my soul.

Oh hold up,

Music sweeping me away for a dance. Precious expression. Caught away in the moment. Some nights I pray to the Universe with my dance. Hear me. Hold me. Take me away into the space of my real home. I'm so lost here, in this flesh and bones. I love you. I miss you. I'm broken, but I'm me. Help me, will you please? 

Explorer at heart

I'm currently living on a chunk of 81 acres owned by a fascinating retired couple outside of Pueblo Colorado. Especially Joyce. Joyce is in her 70's yet has the energy and expressiveness of a 7 year old girl. She's full of knowledge and conversation is always interesting and engaging.

This is a journal entry about a day I had here.

Day, time, and year is of no use here

I worked on taking apart a wood vessel that housed a pump that two years prior they attempted to use to pipe spring water up the ravine to their home. On my way down I crushed up some wild sage and other herbs in my hands and took in all the nuanced fragrances. One of my favorite ways to get to know a new area. I saw a snake down by the wood vessel and tried to catch it, to no avail.

Later in the afternoon I made some delicious lunch in my trailer and then went down for a swim in the sublimely cool river. It was so refreshing after having to take about 9 loads up and down the meandering trail up to the top of the ravine. I explored different parts of the river, eventually taking off my suit to slather my entire body with some dark rich black mud. Why not? It feels good. I am a child of the Earth, not this synthetic and artificial world that man has created (which is just causing disease and suffering under the illusion that it's making our lives better and easier). As I'm taking a look around along the river, completely black, smelling the different scents of plants and flowers, I came across a little green bog. Several water spiders skittering across the surface. I see a scorpion a few inches underwater, creeping below a rock, and then it attempts to grab one of the spiders from below, yet it just sinks out of sight. Ha! A rookie in training, kinda like me in this life. I watched it try yet again, but another epic fail ensued.

Floating in the river, limbs outstretched, looking up at the clouds, with my ears underwater enjoying silence and lightness. A huge flock of swallows flying all around up above me, and two hawks swoop in to join the fun. I have a very special and dear connection with swallows that I don't care to explain right now, but everywhere I travel, they are there to greet me. Singing and dancing through the air.

Laying on the warm rocks as the clouds let up for a while. Blissfully naked. Seeing several different colored butterflies. Just breathing. Contemplating. As I slowly made my way back to where I came in at, slithering and sneaking up the river like a crocodile, I noticed a dragonfly perched on a rock. I came about 6 inches from its face, observing its hypnotic blue colors and luminescent eyes. What a beauty. Hiking back up the hill after a few hours feeling thoroughly refreshed. Finished a book I started two days ago and then read 150 pages into the the next volume. The Ringing Cedars Series by Vladamir Megre. A fascinating read. Hearing a storm come in, listening to the sounds of nature as I'm reading a book saturated with the kind of relationship that is possible with the Self and Nature. Taking a look to my left and seeing a glorious rainbow, which was gone 5 minutes later.

As I'm getting ready for bed watching a wild thunderstorm in the distance. Writing all this down and still, flashes of brilliant light scattering across the sky.

My home

Their home, which they built by themselves. 

My backyard! 

This little squirmy guy will turn into a beautiful butterfly in the fall.

The place I relax and explore everyday after work.

Joyce explained to me an Awakening experience she had in Hawaii while in the rainforest where she was contemplating what she knew for sure in this life, and what she kinda thought she knew, and then all the sudden her vision split into two and she entered a state of consciousness where she merged with the Whole and became everything as it is. She understood instantaneously who we are and how we function. After the experience she went running to her husband full of a joyous energy, but as is usually the case, he didn't have real understanding or any idea what she was talking about. It was her subjective experience. After this Awakening as she calls it, she found it difficult to live in this illusory world for a while.

I can relate in so many ways, not only to the state of consciousness she experienced but the coming back into the body and identity and how hard it can be to integrate these experiences. Nothing touches the peace and love and freedom of the magical enlightened/awakened/spiritual experience.

A couple examples of my own...

When I was in the Mojave desert and I ate some very pure psychedelic mushrooms. The simple act of eating a blood orange as if it was the first piece of fruit I've ever eaten in my entire life was pure joy. Biting into the peel and flesh, so juicy and sensual. Citrus juice bursting through my mouth absolutely singing to my body and mind.

Stopping to look at a singular purple desert flower, gently picking it and holding it in front of me, roots still attached, and tears rolling down my face because my heart exploded with love. The pure beauty of the flower reflecting back the pure beauty of my own heart. And as I'm writing this, recalling that moment, those intimate feelings, that connection, tears are filling up in my eyes so that I can barely see.

Just sitting on the earth and breathing. There is a feeling like the deepest most profound cosmic wind blowing all the illusion out of me. And then witnessing a string of moments of pure consciousness untainted by my biology and hardwiring. A fly flew by and the sound seemed to echo throughout all of space and time. I was absorbed in such intense stillness. Words don't do it justice. Words never could.

Stopping for a rest, sitting down, my mind empty but open to all, and my eyes are drawn to a singular ant on the ground. And then unconsciously my whole being started vibrating, as if tuning into a different kind of receiver. As the tuner inside me kept bumping up a notch, like the receiver on a television or radio, I started spontaneously humming, my voice getting higher and higher until finally, I was vibrating at the same frequency of the ant. Wow! Such wonder! I remained intensely focused on the ant (all the while humming) for about 20 seconds but that's all I could take. The ant energy is so speedy!

I feel it necessary to note on the puritanical beliefs that an altered state of mind through the use of plants and fungi is in someway "evil" or "sinful" is just downright destructive. There is no definitive or set way to have a "spiritual" experience, and it is my opinion that to think otherwise, you are only limiting the Source of all creation itself by believing that only under such and such conditions will you have a spiritual experience. That is black and white dogma in action. An experience is an experience, and just because someone (like me) is under the influence of a mind/soul/heart altering substance does not discount it in any way.

Here is a part of the dilemma I'm in at the moment. Technology and the internet has been hardwired into me from a young age. It is fused into my biology, and I don't know why I seem to always be the first to point the obvious out, but this shit is addictive! Nature is my true home. To be disconnected from Nature means being disconnected from the Source and my own true nature. What do I do then? Travel around like a nomad living in off the grid communities? Build a sanctuary with my bare hands in some pristine land? Hop on a plane and go live in ashrams and Hindu/Buddhist temples all over Southeast Asia and India like a wandering ascetic? All are possibilities. Yet, I always seem to get sucked back into the technology void, You just can't avoid it living in the modern age. 

Lucid Dreams

In a house, the richness of detail exquisite. I was sitting on the ground by a wooden table talking with a couple girls. So lucid and alert. My visual field was saturated with colors, poignant in its beauty. Such interesting conversations.

I made my way upstairs and hung out with two guys. We were having a super deep philosophical conversation and I became consciously aware that I was dreaming. With that perfect realization I was free. The conversation was like, we must be vibrating at similar frequencies. Obviously no one vibrates at precisely the same frequency but we have similarities that link us together. This is wild. We all had an unspoken unified knowledge of this. Life! I bolted downstairs to preach to the girls. So excitedly with intense passion, I am lucid dreaming! This is so beautiful. An older man came out of a door and told me I had to leave. I looked out the window in the back and there was a trailer of sorts that was connected to playground like tubing. Like some sort of rustic circus. I went upstairs and told the guys. There was some ridiculous contraption over them that played music. As they got out of bed to join me, one of them said lets go get a beer, and as he was getting change out of the drawer. Poof. Blackness. I'm gone.

Floated on over to the next dreamscape. For a moment there was pure blackness. Then a flash of insight. I had a little foreknowledge of where I was going. All the sudden I'm in another house walking towards a kitchen door where an older woman was sitting on a chair. I look down and my nails are different colors. What's new? The door opened up into an incredible kitchen and lounge space. Huge ceilings. Such vivid detail. I walked to this other woman sitting on the couch. When she looked at me there was an intense feeling of connection and love. She stands up and we hug immediately. Is this my wife in this one? We kissed a couple times. A few seconds later her face turned really ugly and almost beast-like. Her tongue was out. She was lusting all over me. Was this a visual representation of the animal-like energy of selfish lust? I was about to go down that path, because the feeling of sexual energy was so intense, but I caught myself and left the house. Now I'm immersed in a richness of color and detail that mere linguistics could never explain.

Fading out. Am I coming out of REM sleep? The next thing you know I'm at a gas station parking lot. Different world. Talking with a couple people. A bus-like van is filling up their tank. I'm still lucid. There's a clock tower and houses lining the street. I look up at the sky dotted with clouds to see the most beautiful purple I've ever seen. I'm walking with a few guys. I see the top of this tower, and with not even complete confidence I jump about 50 feet up and land gently on top! Wow! What a sensation! Anything is possible! I look behind me and there is a wickedly colorful and beautiful skatepark. I look for a skateboard but can't find one.

Now I make my way down to a unique pool. There's a handful of people swimming. Near the side of the pool there are some binkies so I grab one. Start taking off my clothes. At this point I'm completely naked talking with a girl that's sitting in the pool. A guy comes out of a building near the pool and makes a gesture I need to put my clothes on. I quickly put on some shorts and hop into the pool. I don't really feel the sensation of the water yet it feels more real and alive than the reality I'm living in right now typing this. There is a small snaking part of the pool that I float down, and me and this other kid have a battle underwater. Can't even explain that one.

Blackness. Fading out. I hear the sound of a light turn on. I'm laying in my bed, in this reality. It's my roommate using the loo. Laying in bed completely and utterly mesmerized as the memories of the dream are fresh in my mind. Are you kidding me?! I feel fucking elated. Take me back take me back please take me back. A few minutes later I decide I better write all of this down before it disappears from my mind like magic ink.

This was by far the most vivid and intense series of lucid dreams I've ever had. During the dream when I become lucid it is honestly one of the most liberating and joyous feelings that I've ever experienced. In the unconscious dream world there are no rules. I'm not bound by laws like I am here, and because of that, I'm free to play with full freedom to do as I please. Consciousness in a space of pure inspiration, not bound by the programming and all the layers and filters of the human mind. What a mysterious place this is to be. I'm in awe that I can lay down, fall asleep, yet wake up in a dream, become conscious that I'm dreaming, and then proceed to have an experience that feels more real than everyday waking consciousness. How is this possible? It definitely opens me up to the possibility that there are an infinite amount of realities all happening simultaneously throughout the galaxy. It also begs the question, when we fall asleep are we really sleeping? Or are we truly waking up? Which one is the dream world?

My honest belief at this point in my development is that the life we perceive with our five senses is indeed the dream world. It's all an illusion. And what I mean by that is everything is transient and temporary. Fleeting in nature. Pain, pleasure, joy, suffering, all our thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It all arises and then poof! It's gone. Where'd it all go? With that said, it doesn't mean that life isn't important, but I don't think it's wise to hold on to anything, because look! It all disappears anyways.

What else can I do but continually let go and surrender? I don't know anything. With that mindset I am open to everything, and that makes me a more loving and compassionate human being, less prone to passing judgment on myself or anyone else.

We are all dreamers

All I am is a loving spirit encapsulated in a human body

What a wild ride