Lucid Dreams

In a house, the richness of detail exquisite. I was sitting on the ground by a wooden table talking with a couple girls. So lucid and alert. My visual field was saturated with colors, poignant in its beauty. Such interesting conversations.

I made my way upstairs and hung out with two guys. We were having a super deep philosophical conversation and I became consciously aware that I was dreaming. With that perfect realization I was free. The conversation was like, we must be vibrating at similar frequencies. Obviously no one vibrates at precisely the same frequency but we have similarities that link us together. This is wild. We all had an unspoken unified knowledge of this. Life! I bolted downstairs to preach to the girls. So excitedly with intense passion, I am lucid dreaming! This is so beautiful. An older man came out of a door and told me I had to leave. I looked out the window in the back and there was a trailer of sorts that was connected to playground like tubing. Like some sort of rustic circus. I went upstairs and told the guys. There was some ridiculous contraption over them that played music. As they got out of bed to join me, one of them said lets go get a beer, and as he was getting change out of the drawer. Poof. Blackness. I'm gone.

Floated on over to the next dreamscape. For a moment there was pure blackness. Then a flash of insight. I had a little foreknowledge of where I was going. All the sudden I'm in another house walking towards a kitchen door where an older woman was sitting on a chair. I look down and my nails are different colors. What's new? The door opened up into an incredible kitchen and lounge space. Huge ceilings. Such vivid detail. I walked to this other woman sitting on the couch. When she looked at me there was an intense feeling of connection and love. She stands up and we hug immediately. Is this my wife in this one? We kissed a couple times. A few seconds later her face turned really ugly and almost beast-like. Her tongue was out. She was lusting all over me. Was this a visual representation of the animal-like energy of selfish lust? I was about to go down that path, because the feeling of sexual energy was so intense, but I caught myself and left the house. Now I'm immersed in a richness of color and detail that mere linguistics could never explain.

Fading out. Am I coming out of REM sleep? The next thing you know I'm at a gas station parking lot. Different world. Talking with a couple people. A bus-like van is filling up their tank. I'm still lucid. There's a clock tower and houses lining the street. I look up at the sky dotted with clouds to see the most beautiful purple I've ever seen. I'm walking with a few guys. I see the top of this tower, and with not even complete confidence I jump about 50 feet up and land gently on top! Wow! What a sensation! Anything is possible! I look behind me and there is a wickedly colorful and beautiful skatepark. I look for a skateboard but can't find one.

Now I make my way down to a unique pool. There's a handful of people swimming. Near the side of the pool there are some binkies so I grab one. Start taking off my clothes. At this point I'm completely naked talking with a girl that's sitting in the pool. A guy comes out of a building near the pool and makes a gesture I need to put my clothes on. I quickly put on some shorts and hop into the pool. I don't really feel the sensation of the water yet it feels more real and alive than the reality I'm living in right now typing this. There is a small snaking part of the pool that I float down, and me and this other kid have a battle underwater. Can't even explain that one.

Blackness. Fading out. I hear the sound of a light turn on. I'm laying in my bed, in this reality. It's my roommate using the loo. Laying in bed completely and utterly mesmerized as the memories of the dream are fresh in my mind. Are you kidding me?! I feel fucking elated. Take me back take me back please take me back. A few minutes later I decide I better write all of this down before it disappears from my mind like magic ink.

This was by far the most vivid and intense series of lucid dreams I've ever had. During the dream when I become lucid it is honestly one of the most liberating and joyous feelings that I've ever experienced. In the unconscious dream world there are no rules. I'm not bound by laws like I am here, and because of that, I'm free to play with full freedom to do as I please. Consciousness in a space of pure inspiration, not bound by the programming and all the layers and filters of the human mind. What a mysterious place this is to be. I'm in awe that I can lay down, fall asleep, yet wake up in a dream, become conscious that I'm dreaming, and then proceed to have an experience that feels more real than everyday waking consciousness. How is this possible? It definitely opens me up to the possibility that there are an infinite amount of realities all happening simultaneously throughout the galaxy. It also begs the question, when we fall asleep are we really sleeping? Or are we truly waking up? Which one is the dream world?

My honest belief at this point in my development is that the life we perceive with our five senses is indeed the dream world. It's all an illusion. And what I mean by that is everything is transient and temporary. Fleeting in nature. Pain, pleasure, joy, suffering, all our thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It all arises and then poof! It's gone. Where'd it all go? With that said, it doesn't mean that life isn't important, but I don't think it's wise to hold on to anything, because look! It all disappears anyways.

What else can I do but continually let go and surrender? I don't know anything. With that mindset I am open to everything, and that makes me a more loving and compassionate human being, less prone to passing judgment on myself or anyone else.

We are all dreamers

All I am is a loving spirit encapsulated in a human body

What a wild ride

Musings from my Mind

How can you go through life without questioning things? Without questioning yourself? Without a healthy amount of skepticism? One of the many invaluable blessings of traveling all over the world is that you see the ways in which culture, environment, society, and family shape reality. I remember after I had spent about five months in Australia, I was having dinner with my host Gordon and we were having a lively conversation about Trump and politics in America and it felt like I had lived in Straya' my whole life. I was so absorbed in the experience I forgot for a moment that I actually grew up in a place called the United States! Traveling expanded my mind in such a way to where I could first appreciate my childhood, and then examine it and my own conditioning and be open to living a different way.

It's 3:56am right now. I was just getting cozy in bed and had an intriguing train of thought, and in these situations I've realized it's best to put it all down on paper. Quickly. Before it fades. In other words, get my bony ass outta bed! This morning, along with my customized stretching I love doing to get the energy flowing, I said a prayer to my higher Self. Something along the lines of, "I just want to uplift those around me today." With that intention in mind my day flowed along those lines. Tonight, or shall I say last night, I spent a few hours with a cousins family I don't usually see much. They have four little girls, and being in this situation where there are adults and kids present, I tend to always hang out with the kids. Why? The mind of a child is so fascinating and curious and playful and fun and open and free. Before all the programming and dogma of society and religion and the structures of identity imprison the mind in a box of beliefs and conditioned responses, there is a purity of psychic freedom in the moment that most adults (myself included, but I'm working on it) simply don't have. I've never spent any time with these kids, and within minutes we were running around playing tag and jumping on the tramp and just having a ball of a time. I was sitting down for a moment to take a breather from lifting these lil superwomen into the air, and Abigail walked up to me and sat on my lap looking straight into my eyes. How much more beautiful and joyous this life would be if adults had that much freedom to just Be? To have that trust and fearlessness and ever present childlike love. I whipped out my hoverboard and took everyone for a lil ride. They all loved it so much. A brand new experience. Before I was about to head out Abigail said to her Mom, "I wish Andrew could live here." So sweet!

Of course, right when I got in my car, the external goofiness that is my personality dove headfirst into my inner inclination towards deep philosophical thought. How is it that in less than two hours, a little girl who I've never spent time with, already wants me to join the family? Equal ground. It's all about equal ground. Seeing other Beings as equal, no matter what age or race or sexual orientation or personality. What, just because I'm twenty seven years old (which means absolutely nothing to me) I supposedly know more about life and have to act like a big ol' responsible adult? Yeah right, more like the other way around. I wonder what the world could be if everyone adopted that attitude? Being on equal ground not just with other people, but with plants and animals and rocks and insects and trees. I'll call it the equal ground principle. Part of the problem that frustrates me about cultural and societal dogma, is that it creates barriers. It perpetuates the idea of me vs you. Or us vs them. Like if you don't follow the prescribed path of society or religion or what your parents tell you to do you won't be accepted and happy in life. What nonsense! It creates a subconscious wedge between you and other people. I love the way Richard Alpert words it, "Lets lay down our righteousness and just be together." Meaning, lets lay down our preconceived notions and judgements and moral high groundedness about how other people (as well as ourselves) "should" be and just be in the moment with the way it Is.


What is free will? What does that even mean? Am I really free to make my own choices, day in and day out? I don't believe it's a black and white concept. Take for example the subconscious mind. The majority of our choices and behavior comes from that place that we have no real access to in day to day life, unless you are a child and your mind is still in that wide open space, or high on psychedelic drugs, or perhaps severely mentally handicapped or schizophrenic. If you stop and think about a full day, how much of your behavior is the same as it always is? Is it really you choosing to brush your teeth or drive to work the same way or shop the same isles at the grocery store? Or is it simply programmed behavior hardwired into that gray mush in your skull to enable you to use your energy efficiently? My vote is on the latter.

What about a lil guy that is born into an abusive family? Parents are both alcoholics and there is a lot of violence and anger in the home. Fast forward a few decades and that same man finds himself abusing his own wife. And then drinking to numb the pain from his childhood and his own anger fueled violence. He swore to himself he'd never be like his parents... yet here is... doing the exact same thing. Could you honestly say that he made those choices himself? I don't think you can. It's subconscious programming. Could he do things like meditate and pray and practice watching his own reactions to then be able to choose a better way? Absolutely. But see that's where free will gets really sticky. The subconscious, your genetics, and the environment you grew up in, is ultimately the controller and creator of your reality, not your own "free will." That' what I believe anyway.

I find much more value in practicing self love and acceptance than in trying to be a version of myself that is created by the expectations of society, other people, and any other external factors. 

A Night of Boundless Love

Cruising on the freeway driving into the sunset, my friend Delroy and I were on our way to a massive Halloween rave called Get Freaky at The Great Saltair. I hadn't been to a rave in almost six years so I was very excited, and D-Roy hadn't been to one at all, so I was equally excited for him. In preparation, I made a traditional drink from Kava root that provides (for me anyway) a feeling of deep calm groundedness. We pulled over on the side of the freeway near the exit to pregame a little bit with a bowl of high quality cannabis. On rare nights like these I tend to really go for it, so we bought a couple of cold pressed latte's for an extra energy boost.

Having arrived soon after the doors opened, we swooped a great parking spot and coming from Krishna's Lotus temple just before this, we were already feeling the good vibes seeing as some of the architecture is similar. Senses enhanced, giggles up the wazoo, me and Del started putting on our outfits. An earthquake of bass and music leaking out of the venue made its way to us. This is gonna be unreal. The moment I put on my full outfit that I spent hours creating the day before, I felt a rush of well being and confidence come over me. I put on our own music and danced for a while finishing the rest of my liquid nature and dark chocolate latte. We were enjoying ourselves so much outside we decided to just chill for a bit before we go in. I painted half my face green and the other half purple. Colored up my arms, and then dumped heaps of purple in my hair. D-Roy decided to spice up his outfit and color his hair lime green. By then massive amounts of cars were pulling into the parking lot, and it was so fun looking at everyone's costumes. Out of the blue I decided I wanted to be Bob Ross for a while so I took the powdered colors, dumped some out on top of my car and started mixing it with a little water. People were getting a kick out of this psychedelic clown with his shirt off hand painting on his car. I dumped half a bottle of some spirit aroma oil all over me, which is just a combination of different essential oils. I breathed in the aromas and wave upon wave of higher consciousness came over me. It was intense. I felt like a forest, deeply grounded in the Earth. The first and only time I did Acid was at this very place seven years prior and it had a profound impact on my life. I was tuning into some of that energy spontaneously. It was time to go in.

Immediately upon entering, with the music bumpin', hundreds and hundreds of people jammin' out, I couldn't help but smile. Within ten seconds I was meeting people. The first two people I met were a brother and sister who grew up LDS. Siblings raving together.. wow.. not something you see often. We continued to explore the venue, and I was blown away when I saw a massage parlor just out in the open. What! This place is ridiculous. I met up with a small group of people and it was obvious, looking into everyone's eyes, that they were high on MDMA, the classic "love drug" that is synthesized from the bark of the sassafras tree. At that moment I made a conscious choice to experience the wonders of ecstasy again after all these years. Knowing this substance is extremely powerful and is not to be taken lightly, I did my best to talk to the dealer about the quality and effects to make sure what I was getting was legitimate. I purchased one pill and immediately bit off half and put the other half in my pocket to save for my friend, who at that point, was nowhere to be found.

Floating around the outskirts and exploring the outside section of the venue, taking it all in, I knew in about thirty to forty five minutes the world as my ego knew it would be gone. The mirror of my consciousness would be washed clean and I'd merge into the essence that I am. Around the thirty minute mark, I walked past the massage parlor, and met a guy who randomly gave me some Chinese prayer beads, and then I saw a homie named Dalton who was working at the massage parlor. I was stoked to see him so I gave him a big hug, and payed for a five minute massage. Interestingly enough, I met Dalton at the Krishna temple in Salt Lake City. Sitting down on the massage chair I started to feel tingly sensations and butterflies dance through my body. An extraordinary physical and mental lightness. Everything was dissolving. All barriers, judgments, beliefs, concepts, thoughts of the past and plans for the future. Every single aspect of my ego and "my story" dissolved into the moment, into what some call The Eternal Present. All the energy in my mind focused on my new Chinese prayer beads, as I whispered the Maha Mantra slowly, which is

Hara Krishna, Hara Krishna

Krishna Krishna, Hara Hara,

Hara Rama, Hara Rama,

Rama Rama, Hara Hara.

Hara addresses the feminine aspect of God, the Divine Mother. Krishna is a name for God meaning All-Attractive, and Rama means the source of all pleasure. I was starting to peak so hard, with Dalton giving me a massage, and chanting the mantra, that every breath was like an orgasm of pleasure pulsing through me. After my five minutes was over I gave Dalton another epic hug, and I had to stop for a moment. I cannot describe the sensations fully in words. I was dissolving into a state of unconditional love. Not a personal love like "I love you." It was paradoxically totally impersonal, yet intimately personal because I was connecting with the Universe in such a way that was beyond space and time and my illusory self. It was like coming out of the womb. Eyes of pure awe and curiosity. Indescribable beauty. I looked around and everything was so beautiful it almost brought me to tears. I made my way to the bathroom and the first girl I met was coming out of the Men's bathroom. What! My smile was monumental. Standing in front of the urinal I felt like Christ. And by that I don't mean Jesus himself, I mean Christ's consciousness. Like I had merged with that Infinite state of boundless love. I literally started giving a sermon as I was standing there. I wanted to make everyone laugh, but at the same time I was dead serious. That is a very real part of my personality I've observed over the years. People may not know I'm serious because I'm always joking around, but behind the jokes I speak the truth of my experience. Whether you want to believe it or not doesn't matter to me. After about four minutes of making the entire Men's room crack up into laughter, I realized my urinary device wasn't working. On the way out I looked into the mirror and my eyes were the biggest black saucers you've ever seen. Pure love oozing out of my every pore. Walking back into the venue I gently stopped a girl that looked familiar. She reminded me of my friend Lindsay who I'd met here seven years prior at this very place. I told her straight up, "you remind me of my friend Lindsay, you are... gorgeous" and her smile was so sweet it made my heart soar. After giving her a hug, I let her go and ventured on. From this state of consciousness and total heart expansion, I just wanted to share the beauty. A feeling of boundless charity. All my senses were enhanced like I can't even explain. The music melted into me, touch was other worldly, and just being with people in that state was joy beyond description. My focus was on people. I just wanted to genuinely connect with people. Don't we all?

While I was chattin' up a storm someone touched my shoulder from behind. It was D-Roy! I was so happy to see him. I immediately took the other half of the pill out of my pocket and gave it to Del, telling him to chew it up. I had the sudden urge to call my parents and share the bliss, so I took Delroy's phone all the way outside and to the top of the hill. I noticed a few people running up from the parking lot through the tall grass in the back, like ninjas creeping through the night. Tried my Mom once. No answer. Tried my Dad and he answered. Words just melted out of my mind and heart. "I took a half a pill of ecstasy. My heart is expanding everywhere. Everything is so beautiful. They have a massage parlor here! Dad I just gave a sermon on the mount in the bathroom!" Impeccable timing as my Mom and Dad were just getting ready for bed and their son calls them from a Halloween rave in a state of total loving bliss. No judgment at all from my parents.

After ending the call I was making more friends with people hanging out on the grass. I kneeled down talking to a small group of people and a dude took out one of his eyes and put it on the grass. I took one look, then a second look. He really had a fake eye! I looked up at the sky and yelped in pure joy. We all giggled together like little kids. They were in the same state as me. Total connection. I'll never forget this girls laugh. Like an innocent witch child. It made my soul sing.

Some guy had a Vietnam style hat with LED lights around it, and I borrowed it for a bit. There were a group of people on the ground giving each other massages and I went behind the girl in back to give her some love. I nicknamed her "Mother Earth." Out of the ocean of love I was expanding into I gave another sermon telling people to hop on the train and people from both sides heeded the message excitedly, like it was the most normal thing in the world to join a bunch of strangers massaging each other. My boy D-Roy was very much enjoying himself.

I spotted an Angel in all white with huge ethereal glowing wings and walked over to her completely mesmerized. I sat down on the grass right in front of her and she did a dance for me. My gaze was intense. Nothing else in the entire world existed except this glorious Angel. After her dance I sprung up like a flower blossoming in two seconds and wrapped my arms around her. Making our way back inside, I was totally hypnotized by everything. People with glowing pacifiers in their mouths, not only for the physical sensations, but as a metaphor for turning into a little child again. People flippin' around lights and glowsticks. All the different Halloween costumes. The laser light show coming from the stage. People trading bracelets via interlocked hands.

My heart was pouring out everywhere. I'd meet people and within seconds just pour out my heart in love. I'd start dance circles and everyone would be jammin' out together in a spirit of unity. The vibes were incredible. I remember talking to a group of people about my costume and how I wanted to create an outfit with the intention of being a source of joy and positivity to those who were going through bad trips, and their responses were so sincere it touched my heart.

I felt so in-tune with that all pervading all intelligent energy of the Universe. I felt like Buddha. Walking around in full-consciousness in the moment I could feel certain people that were having a bad trip, so I'd enter into their awareness and blast any negative energy out in anyway I could. Usually it was with humor. I saw two girls sitting on the ground and one of them had just been sexually assaulted outside. Before they knew it we were all laughing and giggling and I was kneeling down making jokes and that negative experience faded away into the joy of the moment.

Another girl took too much of something and I sat right in front of her helping her to calm down and take some deep breaths and be a comforting presence as she glided down from some other world.

I spotted some hypnotic lights from a distance and floated on over to a guy giving some light shows. I watched in awe and then sincerely asked if I could have a go myself. He was a bit hesitant at first but he let me use his finger lights. Man I was in the zone. Every molecule of my soul was dancing, completely immersed in the moment. People came buzzing in like moths moving towards to the light.

After returning the gloves i ventured on over to the drinking fountain where I dove in headfirst like a bird in the dessert, splashing it all over my face. Water going down my throat felt like pure energy dancing through my cells. I stood up on a chair pressed against the back wall and the laser light show blew my mind.

Someone dropped their fluffy stuffed animal on the ground and it had something glowing inside. I crouched down on the ground, examining this work of art. I found a zipper and slowly unzipped it to find the treasure locked away inside. When I pulled it out I clasped my hands together and bowed down. A moment of pure childlike joy. The people that witnessed this interaction between me and the stuffed animal were laughing hysterically or cheering or a little of both.

What combination of words can I string together to describe what it feels like to be a grown adult, and have my ego and sense of identify completely dissolve into unconditional love and a childlike awe and wonder. There are no such words.

Tight purple shorts and black fishnet stockings. Of course I was drawn in. I asked this woman if I could give her a hug. She said “of course” so we hugged for a while and that led to us dancing, naturally. Our energy was so in-tune. I was glued in at that point. As the music danced through my body, we got to know each other more. We connected in a way that felt like we had grown old together in a different life. I felt like our hearts were One. I’d look at her face and it was sparkling with light. We kissed and it was magic. Moments of timeless bliss. We headed over to the bathroom and we both walked into the Men’s room. That’s when I realized this woman was actually a man, and not one ounce of judgment or guilt or negativity flowed through me. How could such an insignificant thing, such as gender and sexual orientation matter when I already connected with his soul? Finally being able to pee again felt glorious. We danced more, in such bliss. Finally one of his friends pulled him aside and they disappeared into the crowd.

I was in the back of the venue dancing like a wild free bird with other souls when Delroy found me again. I immediately put my arms on him and asked how he was feeling. He looked a little tense. The MDMA sure brought out his emotional caring side. He was worried about me, that I wasn’t drinking enough water. I was touched by his caring thoughts but i reassured him I was drinking plenty of water. “I just want you to have a good time brother, don’t worry about me.”

Someone pulled a phone out and the time said 2:00am. The lights turned on. I could not believe it. It’s already over? I was in shock that it had been 7 hours since we arrived. A chant started, “One more song! One more song!” I was jumping up and down yelling with the crowd, one more song! They didn’t heed our enthusiasm. It was over. Walking outside the cool air felt crisp and refreshing. It had been approximately five hours since I took half the pill and I was still in a timeless state of Being in the moment.

Loads of people surrounded a car blasting music in the parking lot. Me and Del joined in, keeping the vibes alive. Out of nowhere a guy working for the venue yelled at the top of his lungs, “EVERYONE LEAVE, RIGHT NOW.” A lot of us started laughing, like is this guy serious? There were hundreds and hundreds of cars already squeezing into the one road out of here. It’d be at least another twenty minutes before we could even drive out. That didn’t stop this wacko from projecting his anger at everyone. All of us scattered away to our respective cars. Waiting to exit the parking lot we pulled up next to a car and met a couple who told us to follow them. On our way out there were a group of people walking and without even thinking I stopped and was just about to get out of my car and start dancing, but I saw a few cop cars about twenty yards in front of us. Probably not a great idea. I quickly put my Subi into first then sped outta there. Driving on the freeway was dreamy. My mind was still as open and clear as the great blue sky. Following the couples car down a secret way to salt lake I’d never known existed before, they eventually slowed down and we pulled up next to them. “Sorry guys we’re just gonna go home for the night.” No worries.

Coming into downtown salt lake the all the lights were super vivid. We pulled into a 7-Eleven, and it was a bit awkward at first, in my mind, going back to this reality. Ooooo mango juice, that sounds delightful. How about some reese's for old time sake. I walked to the corner where the bathroom was, and seeing the key in the door I opened it, only to have a paranoid looking man’s face pop out of nowhere and slam the door shut. What the hell was that? I was shocked for a moment but unshaken. Browsing the shelves some more i turned around and saw an old man leave, so I assumed the bathroom was free now. I went over yet again, opened it, only to have the same man freak out at me. Wow! The energy coming from this guy was dark. I felt bad for him. For all I knew he could have been coming down from a crystal meth binge in a delusion of paranoia.

Standing in front of the cashier buying my goodies, the man finally came out of the bathroom, and from a distance started mumbling furiously at me. He became so infuriated that he suddenly charged towards me, yanking his dog into the air by the neck, and while I stood there calm and fearless, the store cashier threw half his body over the counter to protect me, and an older gentleman from behind grabbed the homeless man and gently walked him out. As the store cashier walked around I said, “please make him leave.”

I sparked a conversation with the older gentleman who came to my rescue, and he was one of the most down to earth genuine people I’ve ever met. As I whipped out my lighter to light his cigar we had a beautiful heart to heart conversation. He had recently arrived in downtown salt lake where he felt God had called him. He was doing everything he could to help out the homeless and serve others in the area, in his own way. We had a deep conversation about how it doesn’t matter what state you’re in, you can always open your heart and talk with the Universe. There’s no such thing as a judgmental God. I recalled how I prayed several times during the rave, in my own way. At that moment I felt divine love for both of us. We hugged and he got back to picking up trash off the streets. At 3am. What a man.

Three homeless people were outside the 7-eleven and we all talked for a while. Next thing you know my car is packed and we’re pulling into a nearby I-Hop. I told everyone I’d buy them a meal. Still all colored up I beamed smiles at everyone in the restaurant. While we were waiting for the waitress to take our order one of the homeless guys was singing and groovin’ out. It was obvious I-Hop was understaffed. I got up to use the restroom and when I came out my new homeless friend was cleaning up tables, singing away. For the next thirty minutes he cleaned tables dancing and twirling around. What a great example. Seeing how long it was taking we decided to leave, after which I dropped off Mr.Singer dude and then crisscrossed around town while the other two decided where they wanted to go. I was getting slightly irritated going around in circles so I gently said, “guys I’ll give you ten minutes then we gotta go.” We ended up at the same 7-eleven where we first met, and the older gentleman was still cleaning up the streets. It’s 5am now. Me and Delroy decided to drive back to the Krishna temple and call it a night. We pulled into the parking lot just as the sun was coming up, the sky merging from black to light blue. The moment we entered our basement room door from the back entrance, we heard a meeeeeeooooowww. Margie! It was Margie the cat. For all I knew it was Krishna, welcoming us home. I hopped in the shower cleaning all the colors off my skin and hair, melting into the water. Lying in bed I felt my ego and identity coming back into me, as well as my sense of time. This is the point where seven years ago I’d feel such deep and empty sadness, because my life at the time wasn’t grounded and balanced at all. Being more wise I chose to be grateful for it all. For my humanity, my ego, all my weaknesses, and for the wondrous experience I just had. That’s all I could do. Just cherish the experience and do my best to learn from it. This perspective switch banished the comedown altogether.

What did I learn? What is to be gained from this experience? So very much. For one I realized how much my heart has grown over the last seven years. Traveling and immersing myself in other cultures has opened my mind & heart immensely.

Underneath my ego, my attachment to the past, my depression, my lust, and all the other things that prevent me from living in a state of absolute harmony, lies a heart that is so full of unconditional love and infinite kindness and a deep genuine sincere appreciation for myself and therefore all living beings and creatures and plants of the Earth.

All people want is love and genuine connection and to truly be seen and valued.

Humor is Universal medicine.

There’s no such thing as “my story” and “my life”. That’s all an illusion of the self centered ego. What quality is more important than selfless loving service? The kind devoid of judgment and expectation of something in return.

The past and future are parts of the brain. Parts of the ego. In the spiritual sense, the present moment is all there Is. The present moment is All There Is.

It’s all One. In essence what that means to me is that there is only One of us. Everything is connected. 

The world is indescribably beautiful.

The qualities of playfulness, childlike awe and wonder are perhaps what I desire to have more of other than anything else. 

The soul doesn’t have a gender or sexual orientation or race. The soul is pure awareness.

I feel no guilt or anxiety or worry about sharing the fact that I consider myself bi-sexual now. Open to love and connection in all its many forms. Thank you Kage.

Mind altering substances can be incredibly empowering and enlightening and also incredibly destructive. It’s all about intention and why you use them. My philosophy now is to use mind altering plant substances like coffee, cannabis, kava, and kratom in moderation, and synthetic drugs very rarely. It’s a great place to be.

It’s all Love.

Krishna's Lotus Temple

It's been too long since I've done some quality writing. I can hardly believe it's been over three months since I got back to the motherland. It's like every time I come back to the states I spiral into depression. There are many reasons, but I don't fully understand it. Part of it is Bainbridge Island and Washington in general have never been a happy place for me. Part of it is the strings of time where I have no structure. Part of it is coming back to an environment that is familiar where all my habitual programmed patterns come raging back to me. It gets to a point where all I can do is dissociate and float off into my cave in the clouds, because it's easier to deal with, but I'm finally getting to a point where I'm ready to come fully back to Earth and get to work (on my Self).

I say all this with love, but for all my incredibly positive and inspiring attributes I have many many more weaknesses. Depending on my environment I get lazy and complacent. I choose the easy way out far too often. I get stubborn. I fall into my inherent addictive tendencies. I isolate myself. But my complete honesty and transparency with myself always helps me get back to that place of peace and joy in my heart.

It's interesting to think about how I came to spend one month at the Krishna temple in Spanish Fork. The original plan was to stay with my cousins or at a friends place in Salt Lake City until I got into another pharmaceutical study to make some quick $$$, but all those plans fell through, so I then had less than five days to figure something out. I had the insight to check out workaway to do some help exchange. Why not? That way it would give me some productive work and an entirely new experience in the three or four week waiting period before I actually got admitted into the study. There were only a handful of hosts around the Salt Lake City area so I messaged all of them and I got a reply from a few, one being the Krishna temple. It sounded by far the most interesting and unique, so that was an easy choice. What was to come was one of the most unique experiences of my life.

It's hard to put an experience like this into words. Meeting travelers from all over the world. Connecting with all the llamas, peacocks, parrots, and cats. Exploring an entirely new belief system. Eating new and delicious Indian food everyday. Meeting all the devotees from India. Free yoga and meditation classes. Getting to know Vai and Caru, the couple who brought this temple into existence through the grace of Krishna. And just all the little details and subtleties of everyday.

One unforgettable experience was about a week after I arrived. A company called World Market hired eight of their Llamas to film a commercial that is going to be aired this Christmas season. We drove up to Pineview reservoir and over three days they filmed day and night shots. The first night I was the "llama protector" so I slept in a tent near the llamas in case any mountain lions or any creature was lurking around. Seeing the countless people and logistics behind making a little commercial was unreal. And shots like the night scene where a house was decorated with lights in the background, a huge crane above providing some soft lighting, and then fake snow sprinkling on all the llamas from above. Or the scene where they had the llamas run over and down a huge hill during sunset. All in all an epic experience.

Ecstatic dance night was wildly fun at the Krishna temple in Salt Lake City. They created this beautiful space of acceptance and non-judgmental-ness and we all just danced for two and a half hours straight! The music was so on point. Up on the stage were candles, rocks, crystals, and cushions for people to relax and meditate. No words were spoken, yet much more was understood and expressed. Purely in the moment. It felt like we were all high, because we were in a sense, but not on any external substance. I love dancing, it's been a form of therapy for me for years.

Another joyous memory was connecting with Nelly on our walk down from a local hot springs. Hearing all the insight she's gained from her travels. There's nothing like the connection that comes from going through similar experiences. Nothing. When I gave her a long hug goodbye she whispered in my ear, "please never change."

Lord Krishna's birthday celebration. The belief is that Krishna Himself incarnated into a human form about 5300 years ago in Mathura India and as a kid He climbed up on the counter and broke a pot of yogurt, and then proceeded to grab some and feed it to the monkeys. You can't see me but I was on the bottom ring. Instead of yogurt the clay pot was full of chocolate gold coins. 

It's so enriching to meet people from totally different countries and backgrounds. To sit down and play a simple game like apples to apples with Nelly from Germany, Victor from Brazil, Nicole from D.C, and Huiqi from China. We're all the same whether we know it or not. Just souls packaged into different bodies born into different predicaments searching for our inner spiritual home in this world of material illusions.

It's amazing what living in a place like this does to my state of being. A place surrounded by spiritually minded people and a strong sense of community. A little structure goes a long way. About four hours of interesting varied work a day, six days a week. I love the lifestyle, and it made me realize too that I don't necessarily need to travel all over the world to have unique one of a kind experiences. They are everywhere. The only prerequisite is an open heart and an open mind. That's it. Now I can add that to my list of homes all over the world. A place where I'm always welcomed back at any time. 

Sun Toasted Stories

The work involves cleaning resort style apartment-like suites for five hours a day with the weekend off. Workawayers have literally saved Ian & Deb from bankruptcy, which is great but at the same time it’s not what the whole work/cultural exchange is about.  It’s interesting how companies like Air B & B are slowly taking over the hotel business similar to how Uber is taking over the taxi business. It makes it hard for people like Ian and Deb to continue to make a good living.

The cleaning needs to be meticulous but I’ve never minded this type of work. I enjoy using my hands and the satisfaction of making a place look immaculate is real. Every room has a different décor as well so that’s fun to see. The rooms on the third floor all have a spiral staircase going to the roof where there is a nice dining table and Jacuzzi, along with a dreamy view of the ocean. Not a bad work space indeed!

Such a magical location to stay. Two chemical free pools and a sauna right outside my back door, and endless beaches out the front door. Also, a conveniently placed skate park right up the road. Push bikes available. Surfboards. High quality food. Breakfast and lunch are self serve, and then for dinner we all help out or Deb cooks up something delicious. It’s all vegetarian which I don’t mind over the short term.

My nightly ritual became this. Roasting in the sauna for about thirty minutes, then swimming in dee ocean, followed by meditating on the beach. One night a jellyfish wrapped its tentacles (trying to give me a hug?) around my neck, back, and stomach, giving me a little zaparoo. A few moments later my skin was searing. I immediately let go. I knew it wasn’t deadly, so why perpetuate all the adrenalin fueled mayhem going on inside? I simply continued with my mediation in my sand seat on the back part of the beach near the bush. My mind was running wild, probably because my immune cells were sending lil firefighters to cool down the inflammation from the sting, but after thirty minutes all the pain was gone and my mind was clear.

One night as the sun was setting over the ocean and I lay in the sand breathing I felt something creeping onto my head. I was practicing non-reactivity but for the sake of self preservation I flipped around and in the fading light noticed the shape of a snake. I lunged out to grab it, but it was only a stick! I continued on with my mediation and a few minutes later something pinched my arm. I opened my eyes and a small crab skurried away and burrowed into the sand. Sneaky bastard! 

Just a river in the bush? I think not. 

Sunshine Plaza. A mall built on and around a river. 

I ventured out on one of my days off to a local mall and had no idea that it was situated on a river. The surprises of life on the road are endless. One of the many reasons I love this lifestyle so much. Keeps my soul invigorated. 

I couldn't help but laugh walking through the mall and seeing little kids cruising around on motorized animals like elephants and lions. 

Strolling past the endless stores I may as well have been walking past blank walls. Overpriced clothes, jewelry, things, things, things, and more things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't care. High quality nutrition shop. Yessss. Something that actually adds value to my life. Why would I ever spend my money on all this material stuff when I could support my body and mind with foundational nutrition? Support the very cells I am made up of. Optimize my body and brain so I can enjoy life that much more and actually have the energy and clarity to carry out my dreams and make a positive impact on everything around me.   

A heat wave came through one day and I was graced with cleaning all the stairwells. The fiery sun blasting through the glass trapped even more humidity and heat for me to enjoy. Within a few minutes I was dripping, but what do you do? Waste energy on reacting and complaining and whining? Nahhhh. Three hours later, sweat drenched clothes, I finished up, and geeze was a cold shower refreshing as ever.

I was the only one home when the front office phone kept going off. While I was floating around in the ocean everyone went out to a local restaurant. I peeked around the corner and I assumed it was a customer so I didn’t open the door. Five minutes later the phone kept ringing so I opened up the door and it was another workawayer. Whoops. A woman from the land of France. Victoria. But her name didn’t sound French at all so I asked her, “where you from originally?” Spain. I told her about the hosts and work here and she didn’t sound interested at all. She wanted to practice Thai massage and surf, so she left to stay with a friend in town while everyone was still gone. Some days later I noticed her sitting on the back part of the beach so I scooted on next to her. Later on in the conversation I whipped out some witty combo of words followed by a cheeky grin. How could she not give me a Thai massage after that? Before I knew it we were in the park. She told me that this massage is usually done with long sleeves but I didn’t have any other clothes with me. “Lucky me, guess you’ll have to touch my bare skin.” I thought. What followed was the most unique massage I’ve ever had. It was like her body was an extention of mine.     

Freshwater pool on the patio for the birds to enjoy during heat waves.

Ian is such an interesting guy. We resonate on so many levels. He co-owns about a hundred acres of ancient Australian land where he's developing a permaculture style eco-village. So awesome. Man this guy knows how to talk. Once he gets going his thoughts come out like a freight train and there's no stopping him. We've had so many interesting conversations. He hasn't shaved since he was in his twenties. I made an interesting connection between the military and religion when he was referring back to the true story of how the U.S. Government enlisted the help of Native Americans during The Vietnam War for their supernatural tracking and intuitive abilities. Again and again though, once the Native Americans became a part of the military their tracking abilities vanished, but why? The government then funded a study to figure out what was happening, and the answer was in the hair. Once the Native Americans entered the military they were forced to cut their incredibly long and sacred hair. They then lost their tracking and intuitive abilities. In Native American culture, the hair is considered to be an extension of the nervous system and works like an antenna. From a biological perspective the hair concentrates certain metals that work like conductors picking up subtle vibrations, hence the heightened intuitive abilities like waking up in the middle of the night when an enemy is approaching. The interesting connection between the military and the many religions of the world is that if you are a missionary or enlist in the army you are required to cut your hair. Why? In the army you wear a uniform. As a missionary you wear a suit. In the army you must be obedient to the rules or there will be physical punishment. In many religions if you don't abide by the rules, there will be some form of eternal punishment in the life to come. Hmmm. 

An eco-village in nature is the kind of environment I want to end up in at some point. It's about going back to the basics. Connecting to the land. Living as part of a functional community. Living sustainably. There is so much joy and peace and simplicity in that lifestyle and I truly believe that is how we are meant to live. That is how our biology is hardwired. But we've lost so much of that nowadays with technology taking over. Screens on all day, stripping away basic social interaction and isolating people to little square boxes (as I write this sitting in a small square box of a room in Balclutha New Zealand, yes I'm a hypocrite) in homes and offices around the world. Being totally disconnected from nature and the food grown in it. Technology is a great blessing and an exceptional curse at the same time. I imagine being a part of a community where everyone does what they love, whether it's growing fruits and vegetables, taking care of animals like chickens, goats, and cows, making cheese, cooking, making pottery, growing all types of edible mushrooms, photography and making videos, building,  canning and fermenting. Etc, etc, etc. And on and on. And everyone shares and helps out and enjoys the abundant simplicity of that kind of lifestyle. I can't imagine a better environment to raise a family.     

Laying in the ocean at night is so hypnotic. Limbs stretched out, staring at the blazing stars, floating in a weightless black void. I guess this is what the Buddha’s are seeking internally. An empty black void free of all ego and desires, and paradoxically enough, a complete and blissful fullness. Full of the Universe. The kind of internal state that concludes, "I am not living. Life is living through me." If you think of a tree, would the leaves ever say they are separate than the branches and trunk? That's a good metaphor for how I feel when I meet people that believe there is nothing after death, or if you can't quantify or measure it with the scientific method then it doesn't exist. All of that is pure ignorance to me. It's letting your hardened concrete-like ego absolutely convince and blind you to spiritual truth. It's like going to a movie and being so engrossed in the movement of light and pictures that you come to the conclusion that nothing outside of the theater exists. That is all that's "real." Riiiiiight.    

Fresh nanners from the backyard. 

I made homemade fudge one day and it was easily the best version yet. Cashews, macas (macademia), pecans, coconut oil, raw cacao butter, raw honey, raw cacao, fresh vanilla bean, and a pinch of celtic sea salt all blended up and then pressed into a pan. Unbelievable. Deb took one bite and paused in place, “Oh my God … this is divine.” And that right there is the joy of cooking.

After Marie left to Tasmania and Anton left to Victoria a duo of dudes showed up in a camper van. One was from Switzerland and one was from Buenos Aires. That night we walked along the beach and sitting at the park they whipped out some good ol' grass. It feels great to be a place in my life where I don't feel a compulsion to use. I took in the smells of their Auzzie bush weed and watched them smoke as we swapped travel stories. Content in my clearheadedness. Understanding their situation perfectly with clear empathy I whipped up my world famous banana cinnamon peanut butter smoothie, and let's just say they reeeeeeally enjoyed it. People can judge things like cannabis with narrow mindedness but the plant has so many positive medicinal uses. I would love for someone that thinks using cannabis is a "sin" to talk to a parent who has a child with seizures who now actually has a quality of life, or a cancer patient who's only relief from the horrendous side effects of chemotherapy and radiation is cannabis extract, or someone with chronic pain who is finally free of addictive all-consuming pain pills because of the wondrous qualities of a plant called Cannabis. Oh yeah, and did I forget to mention that it's a plant grown in nature and not processed synthetically in a fucking laboratory?

The next day we had the biggest day of the year according to Ian and Deb. We had to clean eight rooms by 2:00pm which is insane. Luckily we had the extra help from the newcomers, but they were not expecting that kind of work at all, and the whole situation made me laugh quite a bit because Deb was in a frantic stressed out state and everything was rushed. Later in the afternoon I had walked to the library and when I got back they were gone! Ah ha. The work was just too much. Nothin' but bad luck when your first day working is the busiest day of the year. I don't blame them for leaving after that. 

The night before I left Ian and I had a great chat and he opened up to me and shared some gems from his life. One of them was the three year Self Realization Fellowship he did that was founded by Paramahansa Yogananda, the man who brought the teachings of Yoga to the West. He told me of an experience he had after practicing a particular type of yogic meditation. Just Being out in nature and feeling the wind brush up against his skin was one of the most blissful moments of his life. Wow. The Self Realization Fellowship really sparked my interest and I've come to understand Yoga has incredible depth. The part of yoga that includes all the stretching and mindful movement is really only the tip top of the iceberg. The path of true yoga is one that ends in Self Realization or Enlightenment or Salvation as Christ worded it. I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation but I like the mindset that it could take thousands and thousands and thousands of lifetimes to reach a fully awakened state, because it helps me be patient and understanding. Real change is slow, and seeing through all the Maya (illusion) of this world and entering the eternal internal realms more fully takes a seemingly endless amount of time and experience and practice.  

Enjoyed a last sauna and beach session the morning of my departure and said my goodbyes. I had an amazing time in Maroochydore. Deb & Ian were great hosts, and how can you blame them for being stressed out and agitated from time to time when they haven't had a break in five years. Working every single day for five years. On my way out Deb was sitting in the front office chair surrounded by a cloud of stress. I gave her a half hug and it felt awkward. You can just see the stress eating away her away. What can you do though? I wish them the best.

Soaking up some sunshine for a while outside I was soon warmly greeted by Gordon and his daughter Emily. Off to a proper free range chicken operation about forty five minutes inland in a small area called Moy Pocket. The sunny dreams continue... 

Maroochydore

The first day of 2017 Haowen and I went to some museums downtown and it was a beautiful day indeed, but mentally I was feeling sludgy. I felt like I had to drag myself through the day, and because of that I didn't take any pictures by the picturesque southbank of Brisbane. Oh well, it's stored in my brain.

The next day Haowen and Feifan walked me to the train station where I said my goodbyes to the Chinese brothas. Next destination: The Sunshine Coast. A few hours north. I lost my way briefly getting off at the wrong station (what's new?) but eventually figured it out. Gliding past The Glasshouse Mountains was like entering a subtropical lunar world. Massive mountain-like rocks in the most random shapes dotted the land, as if chunks of an ancient asteroid disintegrated long ago and the native Australian flora then took it over aggressively.

I switched from train to bus and loved the new scenery as always. What is more awe inspiring than watching Nature in all her different manifestations? Riding past Mooloolaba I looked to my left and right and instead of driveways and cars there were docks and boats. A suburban water land. We soon crossed a small bridge that kids were jumping off of. Families enjoying picnics, kayakers floating along, fishing poles waiting for the hook, and the sun blasting its light off the serene waters. The Sunshine Coast. What a sunny dream.

I grabbed my bags and exited the bus near the Maroochydore library having a general idea where Sundeck Gardens was, the resort I'd be staying at. I walked for about fifteen minutes and made it to a grassy spot, put my stuff down and wiped the sweat off my face, and realised I should have asked someone before walking all this way. Right then I looked to my right and saw the sign "Sundeck Gardens." My destination!

I walked in the front office and asked for Deb and after realizing I was a workawayer Ian welcomed me into their home situated behind the front office. Ian has a wild grey beard and along with his wife Deb, manage this resort right across the street from the beach. Within minutes I met Deb who offered me some fruit, as well as two other workawayers Marie and Anton. Marie is from Quebec. Anton is from Germany, easily distinguishable by the distinct German accent. Ian had to immediately get back to work and Deb was busy as well so Marie gave me a brief tour of everything. Her accent is one of kind. I've never met anyone from Quebec. At this point there's no way I won't always have people in my life with different accents from different cultures all over the world. It's just too much fun. After a brief tour Marie, Anton, and Mr. Purps went for a walk around the city. What a chill seaside town. It is a place where tourists visit, but not busy by any means. We passed a bunch of geezers playing a game of Lawn Bowls which I had never seen before. From the looks of it Lawn Bowls is similar to curling but on grassy turf, with the advantage of actually looking fun. Making our way over to the beach, feet squishing over little mounds of powdered sugar sand, floating with the waves, looking at the long stretch of land along the beach making the shape of a boomerang, I thought, "how do I ever stop traveling when the world is so majestic?" 

My new front yard. 

A little bit about the other travellers. Anton is fresh out of high school and traveling for a year in Australia. Out of all my travels, by no comparison, I've met the most Germans backpacking. It's naturally a part of their culture at this time. I absolutely love that. All the germans I've met have been super open minded and just awesome people. Good for Anton for taking the leap and plunging into arguably the best real life education. Travelling the world alone with no itinerary and no plans. 

Marie on the other hand has been traveling the world for the past seven years. Seven years! Six of those years with her boyfriend and for the past year alone. Every time I hear a woman spout this nonsense that the world is a dangerous place for a girl to be travelling alone it makes me shudder with  frustration. All I have to do from now on is just say, "talk to Marie." It's such a lousy fear based belief. I mean for fuck sake, if you want to be technical, it's dangerous walking outside your front door, it's dangerous getting in your car, it's dangerous just being alive! What are you gonna do sit in a bubble of fear your whole life? 

Becoming more familiar with their pantry and garden it made me so happy seeing spring water, all sorts of quality ingredients and herbs, including the Ayurvedic herbs Brahmi and Holy Basil out in the garden. For as long as I live pure high quality food and herbs will be one of my greatest passions.   

The rest of the night was spent in conversation and a solo walk on the tranquil beaches of Maroochydore. 

Photo courtesy of google. Sundeck gardens is the white three story building sitting near the bottom left corner near the roundabout. 

New Years in Brisbane

After our trip to Moreton Island I explored the city at night via my feet. I ran along the beautiful Brisbane river until my brain was a volcano of pleasure. Man the humidity is thick! I can't even imagine what north Australia is like during the summer months, and I don't intend on ever exploring those parts unless it's winter time. After a shower I was still soaked, sweat dripping on the ground as I was writing in my journal. Haowen dancing and singing in his undies to mainstream American pop is a sight to see. 

New Years Day started out sun torched and humid. Haowen and Feifan didn't want to venture out and do something during the blazing daylight hours, so I journeyed out alone to explore the city. At the train station I conversed with a lady who was headed up to Cairns (north east Straya') and I wasn't jealous thinking of the absolute sun scorched sauna it must me right now. 

I found a mall downtown, and looking up from the bottom, it looked like the rotating stairwell in Hogwarts, minus the rotating. Instead of stairwells it was slightly slanted escalators going every which way. And lo and behold, at the top a movie theater and giant arcade. Sweetness. I decided I may as well see Star Wars, and waiting in line to buy my $21.50 V-Max (bigger than normal but smaller than I-MAX) ticket, the artificially glistening ice cream was staring at me full force. What the hell I'm paying $21.50 for the ticket may as well throw in an ice cream as well. I tend to stick to around the 90/10 rule. 90 percent super clean nutrient dense foods. 10 percent whatever the fuck I want with no guilt or shame attached. The movie seemed to be more enjoyable because I hadn't been to a theater for a while, and also because it was an adventure just finding it. 

Authentic Chinese food in my belly, camelbak on my back, our night began walking along the Brisbane river to watch the fireworks more towards the inner city. Little boat cruisers with passengers darted along the water, so quiet you could only hear a faint humming. Bikers and runners and families headed towards the city. The weather is still and calm. We passed a series of bridges, both for cars and trains. I realised my camera was not picking up the whole scene as clearly as I hoped, but the videos I took captured it all. 

A groovy bridge that changes colors. Yes please. 

We sat along the walkway railing along with lots of other people and enjoyed the first firework show of the night. I turned to my right and Haowen was looking at his phone. I about slapped him silly. Wake up you crazy Chinese boy! After the show ended an applause erupted all around us, and we all looked at each other and laughed. We had no idea there were people lining the bridge and streets above us. 

The rest of the night we kept on walking towards the city and kept it simple just enjoying the music and scenes of the night. We stumbled upon a multi-colored casino, the performing arts centre, a ferris wheel, a two storied boat called "Lady Brisbane" that was Christmas'ed out complete with a lit up dance floor on the back, and lots of other goodies I hadn't seen before. 

By the time it was midnight I was back in Feifan's basement room. The only blanket I had on that night was a thin layer of sweat accumulating on my body.