Cooking in my Cocoon

This game of awareness is very intricate, nuanced. The hidden grace of suffering so difficult to coax out of pain with any lasting clarity.

I arrived in Vermont on the 17th, a day after my birthday which was surely the best day of the year for me, overjoyed by how epic and surprising and magical it was, surrounded by people I love, co-creating a celebration that was so special and multidimensional. The first day at my parents I woke up violently ill. Vomiting the majority of the day, with cycles of diarrhea, my usual back pain amplified to the point of constant throbbing. Around my 7th time vomiting, Audrey had left the house to go for a walk because every time I went to the bathroom, violent purging echoed throughout the house. As I’m kneeling in front of the toilet in that awfully beautiful place, where I feel so nauseated in every cell of my body, but on the threshold of the after-vomit release, bringing some light heartedness to this mess, I yell to my dad in the other room, “Fire in the hole!” I explode, stumble into bed and within minutes the nausea creeps back in, and I’m faced with the decision to lay in that half bearable place of doing nothing, or pounding some more water in cycles so I can rid my body of this terror as quickly as possible.

“Do you want some Advil or Tylenol?” My mom peeks in as I’m lying in bed too dizzy and weak to do anything but lay there in dark agony.

“No.” I muster. “I don’t want to thwart my body’s healing process.”

Later that night as my throat is raw, lined with traces of stomach acid, my body empty and barren of vitality, the nausea finally drifted away, and then I couldn’t help but relieve myself with some Tylenol, and appreciated every second of the pain killing properties as I fell into a decent but disrupted unconscious escape.

The next day I slowly gained a little appetite back, and continued the long string of moments of not being able to do much of anything but breathe. Trying to be as neutral as I can. It’s just passing show.

In the evening I gently crawl into the bath, and minutes after it is all full, an impending nausea starts growing rapidly. The water is too hot. I feel sick, and I don’t want to puke in the bathtub. In a daze, the water drains and I stand up to spray some cold water all over my body, and a dizziness overtakes me so completely that I fall to my knees, in a sudden state of panic, I feel that I’m losing consciousness. Uncontrollable fear takes over and I find myself desperately crying out to the Universe for help. The icy cold water brings me back into a semi conscious state, as my whole body tingles on the edge of blacking out. I manage to focus on the task of exiting the bathroom and taking a hard right to my room. I stumble into bed, body soaked, in water and calm relief.

A few days later as some of my strength returns, I wake up to a nagging headache and a strange tension in my right eye. It progressively gets worse, swelling grows, little red veins spread throughout my eye, puss oozes out of both sides, and an uncomfortable heaviness pulses around my eye socket.

I ride it out. Continue to enjoy quality family time regardless. Day by day my eye gets worse, and then as fate would have it, a dry scratchy feeling slowly envelopes my left eye, I look in the mirror and see red veins creeping towards my pupils, like mycelium traveling through shiny white soil.

My right eye is almost completely shut it’s so swollen and inflamed, and now my left eye wants to bring in some equilibrium, I guess.

A few more days of no improvement so my Dad takes me to the hospital. The doc prescribed some antibiotic eye creme, which is all I wanted. The nurse, squeezing some of the jelly out under my eyelid, my eye now takes on the new role of a skillet on broil, searing this creme into my pus soaked and inflamed inner eye. This stuff is so harsh it dries up my eyeballs like juicy grapes that somehow fell into the Mojave desert at noon in the middle of Summer, transformed into dry old crackly raisins instantaneously. My vision is fuzzy for a few hours. I joke to my Dad on the way home, “so this is what your vision is like aye?”

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Bring my awareness into my body. Be with the sensations.

Another day of some prime skillet work from my eye, followed by more trips to the Mojave desert, and here I am. My right eye is finally inching in the direction of homeostasis, and my left eye, well, that’s debatable.

Soon before going to bed tonight, I feel the internal temperature of my body heating up, a slight nausea, and deep fatigue. I press a hand to my forehead. I have a fever... again. Whooptie-fuckin-doo.

As I lay in bed I unconsciously grab my phone, looking for a distraction from my back pain that is starting to flare up, half shut blood shot eyes, and an inner volcano of heat rising quickly. I know with this fever I may not be able to fall asleep for an hour or more, unless I take some Advil. I pause, remembering something I wrote in my journal a few days ago,

“Feel all your feelings, acknowledge them, and always remind yourself of your wholeness. Don’t buy into the ego trip of thinking you need to fill the void.”

I then place my phone back where it was, sinking into all the sensations of the moment. Anyone that has been around me the last 19 months, knows that at times I can be restless due to ruthless back pain, to the point where I’m constantly moving around, stretching, elevating my legs, changing positions, trying to find relief. In bed I set an intention out load of “finding some peace and equanimity in the discomfort.”

As I tossed and turned, deepening my breath, letting go of trying to change anything, my body relaxed. Bits of resistance flared up here and there, but I sunk into it. My body vibrated and tensed up, and then I exhaled. Tears streamed down my face, sounds of a deeply distraught human oozed out me, emotional pain finding expression through the liquid. I’ve been so controlled by pain for so many months that I don’t know how to perceive it in a more positive light. I don’t know how to not feel disempowered by the heaviness of daily pain. Even though I want to believe that everything I’m experiencing is for the highest good of my evolution and the evolution of All, and I will find a way through this, a part of me just can’t accept that as truth. It’s too bleak. The road too rugged and barren.

I feel like a walking paradox.

A deeply wounded healer.





I share this to help the pain find the expression it needs in the moment.

I’d prefer it if you would leave your sympathies somewhere else. Thank you ♥️ and thanks for taking the time to read this saucy peace of suffering.

Pain and Beauty

It'd be nice if I wasn't so physically crippled and broke right now. Driving more than 15 minutes I have to use an ice pack and my back pain/unknown energy killing me starts to flare up. When I saw the Joker the other day (highly highly recommended that movie is so magical and so dark) I couldn't sit up for more than 10 minutes. I had to tell my buddies to scooch so I could take a bunch of seats to lay down.

Anyways, enough about the details about my day to day suffering and pain.

I'd rather focus on the beauties of life. I used my skull as an art project this morning. Painted my hair and beard a crimson red. Added some fun to my costume for today. Red pants with pink and white flowers. A light crimson long sleeve. Fur vest. Light brown scarf with yellow, orange, and crimson flowers. Black and orange nails on my hands. Orange and yellow on my toes. Zip up cowboy boots. Feeling the energy of Fall.

I caught up with a really good friend who recently had surgery to take out his kidney stones. Right when he opened his door he fell to the ground laughing so hard. My colorful spontaneity caught him off guard.

He whipped out some wondrous plant friends. A strain called fortune cookies. Of cannabis that is. Fire. Couple inhales. Mmmm. Smooth. Upon the exhale exquisite piney foresty notes with subtle aromas of burnt citrus in the background. Tickling my nasal receptors. My consciousness instantly takes a deep breath. My body takes a deep breath. I'm breathing deeper into the moment.

I drive up to a spot on my way back on the edge of Bloomington. Sit in my backseat for about 15 minutes while I ice up my back and feel the sun beaming through the back window. Carried away in such melodic music. Beautiful thoughts of dancing for my family and all of us feeling the spirit of love and connection and wonder together, as I let go and let something deeper and more expanded communicate through me.

I love going out into nature. And purposely not bringing anything with me besides maybe some peppermint oil and the occasional piece of gum. So all I have is the immediate moment and surroundings to work with. Lay down on some rocks overlooking a cliff. It's so beautiful here. Take off my shirt and fur jacket. Roll up my pants. The cold alertness of my skin against the rock. The warm sun melting into me. The views are mesmerizing. Green. Orange. Yellow. And crimson red trees. The meandering roads. The different textured houses. The shiny ripples of a few ponds. The smooth exhale of the distant cars. The occasional plane overhead. All against the backdrop of the forever beautiful desert mountains and blue sky. I start smelling the local plants around me, including brigham's tea containing the potent lung stimulant known as ephedra. I love plants. Plants excite my curiosity. Different smells and designs and uses, artisticslly or medicinally, or just to appreciate and be with. I feel the earth with my hand. Talking to the earth desiring for a deeper connection with it. With her. With the divine lover. Start communicating with the sun. See different forms in the distant rock. Sometimes I feel connected to other forms of consciousness. More ancient and free flowing and creative.

Sun slowly elevating my thoughts. Adding brightness to my mind.

Smiling so big on the little walk down to my car. Deeply grounded. It all Is. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do but Be. Huge smiles across my face. Sun toasted peace. I stop halfway and notice some yellow flowers. Upon inhaling the flower essence some blissful moans ooze out of me. So fruity and divine. Nature is so sensual and playful. I stop to lay down on a rock and soak up some more sun. Appreciating every part of the flower in my hand. Whoa. Entrancing creativity. So elegant and gracious. Pure magic.

Some of this writing flowing into my mind, as it’s happening. The philosophers mind. Spelling out some poetry as it’s happening. Explaining the experience to myself in essence, to transcribe at a later time. The yin the yang. The direct experience and the thought describing it. All woven together.

I hear a chirp. So interesting in its uniqueness. Then another one. A conversation begins. A few birds hopping around singing some songs. I’ve never heard anything like it before. Fills my heart with sweetness. What a joy when life celebrates its existence.

Had a lovely lunch. Leftover from yesterday. Coconut red curry with habanero peppers and brown rice noodles. Finished with sushi ginger, toasted black sesame seeds, and fresh lime juice. Joyous bites.

Whip up a quick desert in 10 minutes. Caramelized peaches in coconut sugar, lime juice, and creme along with chunks of coconut chocolate hiding in an a little ocean of vanilla yoghurt ice cream. Yummyness incarnate.

Spelling this experience out in words solidifying to myself how in any given day there is so much more beauty in the world than pain. You just have to stop and breathe it all in.

Late Night Flow

The moonlight is bright 🌔 wide awake in bed. I had to dance with my feet in the grass, covered in shadows. The sound of silk flowing through the air, my movements silky smooth. Mmmm. Longing for a higher freedom found in the flow. Nuanced feelings dancing through my soul.

Oh hold up,

Music sweeping me away for a dance. Precious expression. Caught away in the moment. Some nights I pray to the Universe with my dance. Hear me. Hold me. Take me away into the space of my real home. I'm so lost here, in this flesh and bones. I love you. I miss you. I'm broken, but I'm me. Help me, will you please? 

Explorer at heart

I'm currently living on a chunk of 81 acres owned by a fascinating retired couple outside of Pueblo Colorado. Especially Joyce. Joyce is in her 70's yet has the energy and expressiveness of a 7 year old girl. She's full of knowledge and conversation is always interesting and engaging.

This is a journal entry about a day I had here.

Day, time, and year is of no use here

I worked on taking apart a wood vessel that housed a pump that two years prior they attempted to use to pipe spring water up the ravine to their home. On my way down I crushed up some wild sage and other herbs in my hands and took in all the nuanced fragrances. One of my favorite ways to get to know a new area. I saw a snake down by the wood vessel and tried to catch it, to no avail.

Later in the afternoon I made some delicious lunch in my trailer and then went down for a swim in the sublimely cool river. It was so refreshing after having to take about 9 loads up and down the meandering trail up to the top of the ravine. I explored different parts of the river, eventually taking off my suit to slather my entire body with some dark rich black mud. Why not? It feels good. I am a child of the Earth, not this synthetic and artificial world that man has created (which is just causing disease and suffering under the illusion that it's making our lives better and easier). As I'm taking a look around along the river, completely black, smelling the different scents of plants and flowers, I came across a little green bog. Several water spiders skittering across the surface. I see a scorpion a few inches underwater, creeping below a rock, and then it attempts to grab one of the spiders from below, yet it just sinks out of sight. Ha! A rookie in training, kinda like me in this life. I watched it try yet again, but another epic fail ensued.

Floating in the river, limbs outstretched, looking up at the clouds, with my ears underwater enjoying silence and lightness. A huge flock of swallows flying all around up above me, and two hawks swoop in to join the fun. I have a very special and dear connection with swallows that I don't care to explain right now, but everywhere I travel, they are there to greet me. Singing and dancing through the air.

Laying on the warm rocks as the clouds let up for a while. Blissfully naked. Seeing several different colored butterflies. Just breathing. Contemplating. As I slowly made my way back to where I came in at, slithering and sneaking up the river like a crocodile, I noticed a dragonfly perched on a rock. I came about 6 inches from its face, observing its hypnotic blue colors and luminescent eyes. What a beauty. Hiking back up the hill after a few hours feeling thoroughly refreshed. Finished a book I started two days ago and then read 150 pages into the the next volume. The Ringing Cedars Series by Vladamir Megre. A fascinating read. Hearing a storm come in, listening to the sounds of nature as I'm reading a book saturated with the kind of relationship that is possible with the Self and Nature. Taking a look to my left and seeing a glorious rainbow, which was gone 5 minutes later.

As I'm getting ready for bed watching a wild thunderstorm in the distance. Writing all this down and still, flashes of brilliant light scattering across the sky.

My home

Their home, which they built by themselves. 

My backyard! 

This little squirmy guy will turn into a beautiful butterfly in the fall.

The place I relax and explore everyday after work.

Joyce explained to me an Awakening experience she had in Hawaii while in the rainforest where she was contemplating what she knew for sure in this life, and what she kinda thought she knew, and then all the sudden her vision split into two and she entered a state of consciousness where she merged with the Whole and became everything as it is. She understood instantaneously who we are and how we function. After the experience she went running to her husband full of a joyous energy, but as is usually the case, he didn't have real understanding or any idea what she was talking about. It was her subjective experience. After this Awakening as she calls it, she found it difficult to live in this illusory world for a while.

I can relate in so many ways, not only to the state of consciousness she experienced but the coming back into the body and identity and how hard it can be to integrate these experiences. Nothing touches the peace and love and freedom of the magical enlightened/awakened/spiritual experience.

A couple examples of my own...

When I was in the Mojave desert and I ate some very pure psychedelic mushrooms. The simple act of eating a blood orange as if it was the first piece of fruit I've ever eaten in my entire life was pure joy. Biting into the peel and flesh, so juicy and sensual. Citrus juice bursting through my mouth absolutely singing to my body and mind.

Stopping to look at a singular purple desert flower, gently picking it and holding it in front of me, roots still attached, and tears rolling down my face because my heart exploded with love. The pure beauty of the flower reflecting back the pure beauty of my own heart. And as I'm writing this, recalling that moment, those intimate feelings, that connection, tears are filling up in my eyes so that I can barely see.

Just sitting on the earth and breathing. There is a feeling like the deepest most profound cosmic wind blowing all the illusion out of me. And then witnessing a string of moments of pure consciousness untainted by my biology and hardwiring. A fly flew by and the sound seemed to echo throughout all of space and time. I was absorbed in such intense stillness. Words don't do it justice. Words never could.

Stopping for a rest, sitting down, my mind empty but open to all, and my eyes are drawn to a singular ant on the ground. And then unconsciously my whole being started vibrating, as if tuning into a different kind of receiver. As the tuner inside me kept bumping up a notch, like the receiver on a television or radio, I started spontaneously humming, my voice getting higher and higher until finally, I was vibrating at the same frequency of the ant. Wow! Such wonder! I remained intensely focused on the ant (all the while humming) for about 20 seconds but that's all I could take. The ant energy is so speedy!

I feel it necessary to note on the puritanical beliefs that an altered state of mind through the use of plants and fungi is in someway "evil" or "sinful" is just downright destructive. There is no definitive or set way to have a "spiritual" experience, and it is my opinion that to think otherwise, you are only limiting the Source of all creation itself by believing that only under such and such conditions will you have a spiritual experience. That is black and white dogma in action. An experience is an experience, and just because someone (like me) is under the influence of a mind/soul/heart altering substance does not discount it in any way.

Here is a part of the dilemma I'm in at the moment. Technology and the internet has been hardwired into me from a young age. It is fused into my biology, and I don't know why I seem to always be the first to point the obvious out, but this shit is addictive! Nature is my true home. To be disconnected from Nature means being disconnected from the Source and my own true nature. What do I do then? Travel around like a nomad living in off the grid communities? Build a sanctuary with my bare hands in some pristine land? Hop on a plane and go live in ashrams and Hindu/Buddhist temples all over Southeast Asia and India like a wandering ascetic? All are possibilities. Yet, I always seem to get sucked back into the technology void, You just can't avoid it living in the modern age. 

Lucid Dreams

In a house, the richness of detail exquisite. I was sitting on the ground by a wooden table talking with a couple girls. So lucid and alert. My visual field was saturated with colors, poignant in its beauty. Such interesting conversations.

I made my way upstairs and hung out with two guys. We were having a super deep philosophical conversation and I became consciously aware that I was dreaming. With that perfect realization I was free. The conversation was like, we must be vibrating at similar frequencies. Obviously no one vibrates at precisely the same frequency but we have similarities that link us together. This is wild. We all had an unspoken unified knowledge of this. Life! I bolted downstairs to preach to the girls. So excitedly with intense passion, I am lucid dreaming! This is so beautiful. An older man came out of a door and told me I had to leave. I looked out the window in the back and there was a trailer of sorts that was connected to playground like tubing. Like some sort of rustic circus. I went upstairs and told the guys. There was some ridiculous contraption over them that played music. As they got out of bed to join me, one of them said lets go get a beer, and as he was getting change out of the drawer. Poof. Blackness. I'm gone.

Floated on over to the next dreamscape. For a moment there was pure blackness. Then a flash of insight. I had a little foreknowledge of where I was going. All the sudden I'm in another house walking towards a kitchen door where an older woman was sitting on a chair. I look down and my nails are different colors. What's new? The door opened up into an incredible kitchen and lounge space. Huge ceilings. Such vivid detail. I walked to this other woman sitting on the couch. When she looked at me there was an intense feeling of connection and love. She stands up and we hug immediately. Is this my wife in this one? We kissed a couple times. A few seconds later her face turned really ugly and almost beast-like. Her tongue was out. She was lusting all over me. Was this a visual representation of the animal-like energy of selfish lust? I was about to go down that path, because the feeling of sexual energy was so intense, but I caught myself and left the house. Now I'm immersed in a richness of color and detail that mere linguistics could never explain.

Fading out. Am I coming out of REM sleep? The next thing you know I'm at a gas station parking lot. Different world. Talking with a couple people. A bus-like van is filling up their tank. I'm still lucid. There's a clock tower and houses lining the street. I look up at the sky dotted with clouds to see the most beautiful purple I've ever seen. I'm walking with a few guys. I see the top of this tower, and with not even complete confidence I jump about 50 feet up and land gently on top! Wow! What a sensation! Anything is possible! I look behind me and there is a wickedly colorful and beautiful skatepark. I look for a skateboard but can't find one.

Now I make my way down to a unique pool. There's a handful of people swimming. Near the side of the pool there are some binkies so I grab one. Start taking off my clothes. At this point I'm completely naked talking with a girl that's sitting in the pool. A guy comes out of a building near the pool and makes a gesture I need to put my clothes on. I quickly put on some shorts and hop into the pool. I don't really feel the sensation of the water yet it feels more real and alive than the reality I'm living in right now typing this. There is a small snaking part of the pool that I float down, and me and this other kid have a battle underwater. Can't even explain that one.

Blackness. Fading out. I hear the sound of a light turn on. I'm laying in my bed, in this reality. It's my roommate using the loo. Laying in bed completely and utterly mesmerized as the memories of the dream are fresh in my mind. Are you kidding me?! I feel fucking elated. Take me back take me back please take me back. A few minutes later I decide I better write all of this down before it disappears from my mind like magic ink.

This was by far the most vivid and intense series of lucid dreams I've ever had. During the dream when I become lucid it is honestly one of the most liberating and joyous feelings that I've ever experienced. In the unconscious dream world there are no rules. I'm not bound by laws like I am here, and because of that, I'm free to play with full freedom to do as I please. Consciousness in a space of pure inspiration, not bound by the programming and all the layers and filters of the human mind. What a mysterious place this is to be. I'm in awe that I can lay down, fall asleep, yet wake up in a dream, become conscious that I'm dreaming, and then proceed to have an experience that feels more real than everyday waking consciousness. How is this possible? It definitely opens me up to the possibility that there are an infinite amount of realities all happening simultaneously throughout the galaxy. It also begs the question, when we fall asleep are we really sleeping? Or are we truly waking up? Which one is the dream world?

My honest belief at this point in my development is that the life we perceive with our five senses is indeed the dream world. It's all an illusion. And what I mean by that is everything is transient and temporary. Fleeting in nature. Pain, pleasure, joy, suffering, all our thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It all arises and then poof! It's gone. Where'd it all go? With that said, it doesn't mean that life isn't important, but I don't think it's wise to hold on to anything, because look! It all disappears anyways.

What else can I do but continually let go and surrender? I don't know anything. With that mindset I am open to everything, and that makes me a more loving and compassionate human being, less prone to passing judgment on myself or anyone else.

We are all dreamers

All I am is a loving spirit encapsulated in a human body

What a wild ride

Musings from my Mind

How can you go through life without questioning things? Without questioning yourself? Without a healthy amount of skepticism? One of the many invaluable blessings of traveling all over the world is that you see the ways in which culture, environment, society, and family shape reality. I remember after I had spent about five months in Australia, I was having dinner with my host Gordon and we were having a lively conversation about Trump and politics in America and it felt like I had lived in Straya' my whole life. I was so absorbed in the experience I forgot for a moment that I actually grew up in a place called the United States! Traveling expanded my mind in such a way to where I could first appreciate my childhood, and then examine it and my own conditioning and be open to living a different way.

It's 3:56am right now. I was just getting cozy in bed and had an intriguing train of thought, and in these situations I've realized it's best to put it all down on paper. Quickly. Before it fades. In other words, get my bony ass outta bed! This morning, along with my customized stretching I love doing to get the energy flowing, I said a prayer to my higher Self. Something along the lines of, "I just want to uplift those around me today." With that intention in mind my day flowed along those lines. Tonight, or shall I say last night, I spent a few hours with a cousins family I don't usually see much. They have four little girls, and being in this situation where there are adults and kids present, I tend to always hang out with the kids. Why? The mind of a child is so fascinating and curious and playful and fun and open and free. Before all the programming and dogma of society and religion and the structures of identity imprison the mind in a box of beliefs and conditioned responses, there is a purity of psychic freedom in the moment that most adults (myself included, but I'm working on it) simply don't have. I've never spent any time with these kids, and within minutes we were running around playing tag and jumping on the tramp and just having a ball of a time. I was sitting down for a moment to take a breather from lifting these lil superwomen into the air, and Abigail walked up to me and sat on my lap looking straight into my eyes. How much more beautiful and joyous this life would be if adults had that much freedom to just Be? To have that trust and fearlessness and ever present childlike love. I whipped out my hoverboard and took everyone for a lil ride. They all loved it so much. A brand new experience. Before I was about to head out Abigail said to her Mom, "I wish Andrew could live here." So sweet!

Of course, right when I got in my car, the external goofiness that is my personality dove headfirst into my inner inclination towards deep philosophical thought. How is it that in less than two hours, a little girl who I've never spent time with, already wants me to join the family? Equal ground. It's all about equal ground. Seeing other Beings as equal, no matter what age or race or sexual orientation or personality. What, just because I'm twenty seven years old (which means absolutely nothing to me) I supposedly know more about life and have to act like a big ol' responsible adult? Yeah right, more like the other way around. I wonder what the world could be if everyone adopted that attitude? Being on equal ground not just with other people, but with plants and animals and rocks and insects and trees. I'll call it the equal ground principle. Part of the problem that frustrates me about cultural and societal dogma, is that it creates barriers. It perpetuates the idea of me vs you. Or us vs them. Like if you don't follow the prescribed path of society or religion or what your parents tell you to do you won't be accepted and happy in life. What nonsense! It creates a subconscious wedge between you and other people. I love the way Richard Alpert words it, "Lets lay down our righteousness and just be together." Meaning, lets lay down our preconceived notions and judgements and moral high groundedness about how other people (as well as ourselves) "should" be and just be in the moment with the way it Is.


What is free will? What does that even mean? Am I really free to make my own choices, day in and day out? I don't believe it's a black and white concept. Take for example the subconscious mind. The majority of our choices and behavior comes from that place that we have no real access to in day to day life, unless you are a child and your mind is still in that wide open space, or high on psychedelic drugs, or perhaps severely mentally handicapped or schizophrenic. If you stop and think about a full day, how much of your behavior is the same as it always is? Is it really you choosing to brush your teeth or drive to work the same way or shop the same isles at the grocery store? Or is it simply programmed behavior hardwired into that gray mush in your skull to enable you to use your energy efficiently? My vote is on the latter.

What about a lil guy that is born into an abusive family? Parents are both alcoholics and there is a lot of violence and anger in the home. Fast forward a few decades and that same man finds himself abusing his own wife. And then drinking to numb the pain from his childhood and his own anger fueled violence. He swore to himself he'd never be like his parents... yet here is... doing the exact same thing. Could you honestly say that he made those choices himself? I don't think you can. It's subconscious programming. Could he do things like meditate and pray and practice watching his own reactions to then be able to choose a better way? Absolutely. But see that's where free will gets really sticky. The subconscious, your genetics, and the environment you grew up in, is ultimately the controller and creator of your reality, not your own "free will." That' what I believe anyway.

I find much more value in practicing self love and acceptance than in trying to be a version of myself that is created by the expectations of society, other people, and any other external factors. 

A Night of Boundless Love

Cruising on the freeway driving into the sunset, my friend Delroy and I were on our way to a massive Halloween rave called Get Freaky at The Great Saltair. I hadn't been to a rave in almost six years so I was very excited, and D-Roy hadn't been to one at all, so I was equally excited for him. In preparation, I made a traditional drink from Kava root that provides (for me anyway) a feeling of deep calm groundedness. We pulled over on the side of the freeway near the exit to pregame a little bit with a bowl of high quality cannabis. On rare nights like these I tend to really go for it, so we bought a couple of cold pressed latte's for an extra energy boost.

Having arrived soon after the doors opened, we swooped a great parking spot and coming from Krishna's Lotus temple just before this, we were already feeling the good vibes seeing as some of the architecture is similar. Senses enhanced, giggles up the wazoo, me and Del started putting on our outfits. An earthquake of bass and music leaking out of the venue made its way to us. This is gonna be unreal. The moment I put on my full outfit that I spent hours creating the day before, I felt a rush of well being and confidence come over me. I put on our own music and danced for a while finishing the rest of my liquid nature and dark chocolate latte. We were enjoying ourselves so much outside we decided to just chill for a bit before we go in. I painted half my face green and the other half purple. Colored up my arms, and then dumped heaps of purple in my hair. D-Roy decided to spice up his outfit and color his hair lime green. By then massive amounts of cars were pulling into the parking lot, and it was so fun looking at everyone's costumes. Out of the blue I decided I wanted to be Bob Ross for a while so I took the powdered colors, dumped some out on top of my car and started mixing it with a little water. People were getting a kick out of this psychedelic clown with his shirt off hand painting on his car. I dumped half a bottle of some spirit aroma oil all over me, which is just a combination of different essential oils. I breathed in the aromas and wave upon wave of higher consciousness came over me. It was intense. I felt like a forest, deeply grounded in the Earth. The first and only time I did Acid was at this very place seven years prior and it had a profound impact on my life. I was tuning into some of that energy spontaneously. It was time to go in.

Immediately upon entering, with the music bumpin', hundreds and hundreds of people jammin' out, I couldn't help but smile. Within ten seconds I was meeting people. The first two people I met were a brother and sister who grew up LDS. Siblings raving together.. wow.. not something you see often. We continued to explore the venue, and I was blown away when I saw a massage parlor just out in the open. What! This place is ridiculous. I met up with a small group of people and it was obvious, looking into everyone's eyes, that they were high on MDMA, the classic "love drug" that is synthesized from the bark of the sassafras tree. At that moment I made a conscious choice to experience the wonders of ecstasy again after all these years. Knowing this substance is extremely powerful and is not to be taken lightly, I did my best to talk to the dealer about the quality and effects to make sure what I was getting was legitimate. I purchased one pill and immediately bit off half and put the other half in my pocket to save for my friend, who at that point, was nowhere to be found.

Floating around the outskirts and exploring the outside section of the venue, taking it all in, I knew in about thirty to forty five minutes the world as my ego knew it would be gone. The mirror of my consciousness would be washed clean and I'd merge into the essence that I am. Around the thirty minute mark, I walked past the massage parlor, and met a guy who randomly gave me some Chinese prayer beads, and then I saw a homie named Dalton who was working at the massage parlor. I was stoked to see him so I gave him a big hug, and payed for a five minute massage. Interestingly enough, I met Dalton at the Krishna temple in Salt Lake City. Sitting down on the massage chair I started to feel tingly sensations and butterflies dance through my body. An extraordinary physical and mental lightness. Everything was dissolving. All barriers, judgments, beliefs, concepts, thoughts of the past and plans for the future. Every single aspect of my ego and "my story" dissolved into the moment, into what some call The Eternal Present. All the energy in my mind focused on my new Chinese prayer beads, as I whispered the Maha Mantra slowly, which is

Hara Krishna, Hara Krishna

Krishna Krishna, Hara Hara,

Hara Rama, Hara Rama,

Rama Rama, Hara Hara.

Hara addresses the feminine aspect of God, the Divine Mother. Krishna is a name for God meaning All-Attractive, and Rama means the source of all pleasure. I was starting to peak so hard, with Dalton giving me a massage, and chanting the mantra, that every breath was like an orgasm of pleasure pulsing through me. After my five minutes was over I gave Dalton another epic hug, and I had to stop for a moment. I cannot describe the sensations fully in words. I was dissolving into a state of unconditional love. Not a personal love like "I love you." It was paradoxically totally impersonal, yet intimately personal because I was connecting with the Universe in such a way that was beyond space and time and my illusory self. It was like coming out of the womb. Eyes of pure awe and curiosity. Indescribable beauty. I looked around and everything was so beautiful it almost brought me to tears. I made my way to the bathroom and the first girl I met was coming out of the Men's bathroom. What! My smile was monumental. Standing in front of the urinal I felt like Christ. And by that I don't mean Jesus himself, I mean Christ's consciousness. Like I had merged with that Infinite state of boundless love. I literally started giving a sermon as I was standing there. I wanted to make everyone laugh, but at the same time I was dead serious. That is a very real part of my personality I've observed over the years. People may not know I'm serious because I'm always joking around, but behind the jokes I speak the truth of my experience. Whether you want to believe it or not doesn't matter to me. After about four minutes of making the entire Men's room crack up into laughter, I realized my urinary device wasn't working. On the way out I looked into the mirror and my eyes were the biggest black saucers you've ever seen. Pure love oozing out of my every pore. Walking back into the venue I gently stopped a girl that looked familiar. She reminded me of my friend Lindsay who I'd met here seven years prior at this very place. I told her straight up, "you remind me of my friend Lindsay, you are... gorgeous" and her smile was so sweet it made my heart soar. After giving her a hug, I let her go and ventured on. From this state of consciousness and total heart expansion, I just wanted to share the beauty. A feeling of boundless charity. All my senses were enhanced like I can't even explain. The music melted into me, touch was other worldly, and just being with people in that state was joy beyond description. My focus was on people. I just wanted to genuinely connect with people. Don't we all?

While I was chattin' up a storm someone touched my shoulder from behind. It was D-Roy! I was so happy to see him. I immediately took the other half of the pill out of my pocket and gave it to Del, telling him to chew it up. I had the sudden urge to call my parents and share the bliss, so I took Delroy's phone all the way outside and to the top of the hill. I noticed a few people running up from the parking lot through the tall grass in the back, like ninjas creeping through the night. Tried my Mom once. No answer. Tried my Dad and he answered. Words just melted out of my mind and heart. "I took a half a pill of ecstasy. My heart is expanding everywhere. Everything is so beautiful. They have a massage parlor here! Dad I just gave a sermon on the mount in the bathroom!" Impeccable timing as my Mom and Dad were just getting ready for bed and their son calls them from a Halloween rave in a state of total loving bliss. No judgment at all from my parents.

After ending the call I was making more friends with people hanging out on the grass. I kneeled down talking to a small group of people and a dude took out one of his eyes and put it on the grass. I took one look, then a second look. He really had a fake eye! I looked up at the sky and yelped in pure joy. We all giggled together like little kids. They were in the same state as me. Total connection. I'll never forget this girls laugh. Like an innocent witch child. It made my soul sing.

Some guy had a Vietnam style hat with LED lights around it, and I borrowed it for a bit. There were a group of people on the ground giving each other massages and I went behind the girl in back to give her some love. I nicknamed her "Mother Earth." Out of the ocean of love I was expanding into I gave another sermon telling people to hop on the train and people from both sides heeded the message excitedly, like it was the most normal thing in the world to join a bunch of strangers massaging each other. My boy D-Roy was very much enjoying himself.

I spotted an Angel in all white with huge ethereal glowing wings and walked over to her completely mesmerized. I sat down on the grass right in front of her and she did a dance for me. My gaze was intense. Nothing else in the entire world existed except this glorious Angel. After her dance I sprung up like a flower blossoming in two seconds and wrapped my arms around her. Making our way back inside, I was totally hypnotized by everything. People with glowing pacifiers in their mouths, not only for the physical sensations, but as a metaphor for turning into a little child again. People flippin' around lights and glowsticks. All the different Halloween costumes. The laser light show coming from the stage. People trading bracelets via interlocked hands.

My heart was pouring out everywhere. I'd meet people and within seconds just pour out my heart in love. I'd start dance circles and everyone would be jammin' out together in a spirit of unity. The vibes were incredible. I remember talking to a group of people about my costume and how I wanted to create an outfit with the intention of being a source of joy and positivity to those who were going through bad trips, and their responses were so sincere it touched my heart.

I felt so in-tune with that all pervading all intelligent energy of the Universe. I felt like Buddha. Walking around in full-consciousness in the moment I could feel certain people that were having a bad trip, so I'd enter into their awareness and blast any negative energy out in anyway I could. Usually it was with humor. I saw two girls sitting on the ground and one of them had just been sexually assaulted outside. Before they knew it we were all laughing and giggling and I was kneeling down making jokes and that negative experience faded away into the joy of the moment.

Another girl took too much of something and I sat right in front of her helping her to calm down and take some deep breaths and be a comforting presence as she glided down from some other world.

I spotted some hypnotic lights from a distance and floated on over to a guy giving some light shows. I watched in awe and then sincerely asked if I could have a go myself. He was a bit hesitant at first but he let me use his finger lights. Man I was in the zone. Every molecule of my soul was dancing, completely immersed in the moment. People came buzzing in like moths moving towards to the light.

After returning the gloves i ventured on over to the drinking fountain where I dove in headfirst like a bird in the dessert, splashing it all over my face. Water going down my throat felt like pure energy dancing through my cells. I stood up on a chair pressed against the back wall and the laser light show blew my mind.

Someone dropped their fluffy stuffed animal on the ground and it had something glowing inside. I crouched down on the ground, examining this work of art. I found a zipper and slowly unzipped it to find the treasure locked away inside. When I pulled it out I clasped my hands together and bowed down. A moment of pure childlike joy. The people that witnessed this interaction between me and the stuffed animal were laughing hysterically or cheering or a little of both.

What combination of words can I string together to describe what it feels like to be a grown adult, and have my ego and sense of identify completely dissolve into unconditional love and a childlike awe and wonder. There are no such words.

Tight purple shorts and black fishnet stockings. Of course I was drawn in. I asked this woman if I could give her a hug. She said “of course” so we hugged for a while and that led to us dancing, naturally. Our energy was so in-tune. I was glued in at that point. As the music danced through my body, we got to know each other more. We connected in a way that felt like we had grown old together in a different life. I felt like our hearts were One. I’d look at her face and it was sparkling with light. We kissed and it was magic. Moments of timeless bliss. We headed over to the bathroom and we both walked into the Men’s room. That’s when I realized this woman was actually a man, and not one ounce of judgment or guilt or negativity flowed through me. How could such an insignificant thing, such as gender and sexual orientation matter when I already connected with his soul? Finally being able to pee again felt glorious. We danced more, in such bliss. Finally one of his friends pulled him aside and they disappeared into the crowd.

I was in the back of the venue dancing like a wild free bird with other souls when Delroy found me again. I immediately put my arms on him and asked how he was feeling. He looked a little tense. The MDMA sure brought out his emotional caring side. He was worried about me, that I wasn’t drinking enough water. I was touched by his caring thoughts but i reassured him I was drinking plenty of water. “I just want you to have a good time brother, don’t worry about me.”

Someone pulled a phone out and the time said 2:00am. The lights turned on. I could not believe it. It’s already over? I was in shock that it had been 7 hours since we arrived. A chant started, “One more song! One more song!” I was jumping up and down yelling with the crowd, one more song! They didn’t heed our enthusiasm. It was over. Walking outside the cool air felt crisp and refreshing. It had been approximately five hours since I took half the pill and I was still in a timeless state of Being in the moment.

Loads of people surrounded a car blasting music in the parking lot. Me and Del joined in, keeping the vibes alive. Out of nowhere a guy working for the venue yelled at the top of his lungs, “EVERYONE LEAVE, RIGHT NOW.” A lot of us started laughing, like is this guy serious? There were hundreds and hundreds of cars already squeezing into the one road out of here. It’d be at least another twenty minutes before we could even drive out. That didn’t stop this wacko from projecting his anger at everyone. All of us scattered away to our respective cars. Waiting to exit the parking lot we pulled up next to a car and met a couple who told us to follow them. On our way out there were a group of people walking and without even thinking I stopped and was just about to get out of my car and start dancing, but I saw a few cop cars about twenty yards in front of us. Probably not a great idea. I quickly put my Subi into first then sped outta there. Driving on the freeway was dreamy. My mind was still as open and clear as the great blue sky. Following the couples car down a secret way to salt lake I’d never known existed before, they eventually slowed down and we pulled up next to them. “Sorry guys we’re just gonna go home for the night.” No worries.

Coming into downtown salt lake the all the lights were super vivid. We pulled into a 7-Eleven, and it was a bit awkward at first, in my mind, going back to this reality. Ooooo mango juice, that sounds delightful. How about some reese's for old time sake. I walked to the corner where the bathroom was, and seeing the key in the door I opened it, only to have a paranoid looking man’s face pop out of nowhere and slam the door shut. What the hell was that? I was shocked for a moment but unshaken. Browsing the shelves some more i turned around and saw an old man leave, so I assumed the bathroom was free now. I went over yet again, opened it, only to have the same man freak out at me. Wow! The energy coming from this guy was dark. I felt bad for him. For all I knew he could have been coming down from a crystal meth binge in a delusion of paranoia.

Standing in front of the cashier buying my goodies, the man finally came out of the bathroom, and from a distance started mumbling furiously at me. He became so infuriated that he suddenly charged towards me, yanking his dog into the air by the neck, and while I stood there calm and fearless, the store cashier threw half his body over the counter to protect me, and an older gentleman from behind grabbed the homeless man and gently walked him out. As the store cashier walked around I said, “please make him leave.”

I sparked a conversation with the older gentleman who came to my rescue, and he was one of the most down to earth genuine people I’ve ever met. As I whipped out my lighter to light his cigar we had a beautiful heart to heart conversation. He had recently arrived in downtown salt lake where he felt God had called him. He was doing everything he could to help out the homeless and serve others in the area, in his own way. We had a deep conversation about how it doesn’t matter what state you’re in, you can always open your heart and talk with the Universe. There’s no such thing as a judgmental God. I recalled how I prayed several times during the rave, in my own way. At that moment I felt divine love for both of us. We hugged and he got back to picking up trash off the streets. At 3am. What a man.

Three homeless people were outside the 7-eleven and we all talked for a while. Next thing you know my car is packed and we’re pulling into a nearby I-Hop. I told everyone I’d buy them a meal. Still all colored up I beamed smiles at everyone in the restaurant. While we were waiting for the waitress to take our order one of the homeless guys was singing and groovin’ out. It was obvious I-Hop was understaffed. I got up to use the restroom and when I came out my new homeless friend was cleaning up tables, singing away. For the next thirty minutes he cleaned tables dancing and twirling around. What a great example. Seeing how long it was taking we decided to leave, after which I dropped off Mr.Singer dude and then crisscrossed around town while the other two decided where they wanted to go. I was getting slightly irritated going around in circles so I gently said, “guys I’ll give you ten minutes then we gotta go.” We ended up at the same 7-eleven where we first met, and the older gentleman was still cleaning up the streets. It’s 5am now. Me and Delroy decided to drive back to the Krishna temple and call it a night. We pulled into the parking lot just as the sun was coming up, the sky merging from black to light blue. The moment we entered our basement room door from the back entrance, we heard a meeeeeeooooowww. Margie! It was Margie the cat. For all I knew it was Krishna, welcoming us home. I hopped in the shower cleaning all the colors off my skin and hair, melting into the water. Lying in bed I felt my ego and identity coming back into me, as well as my sense of time. This is the point where seven years ago I’d feel such deep and empty sadness, because my life at the time wasn’t grounded and balanced at all. Being more wise I chose to be grateful for it all. For my humanity, my ego, all my weaknesses, and for the wondrous experience I just had. That’s all I could do. Just cherish the experience and do my best to learn from it. This perspective switch banished the comedown altogether.

What did I learn? What is to be gained from this experience? So very much. For one I realized how much my heart has grown over the last seven years. Traveling and immersing myself in other cultures has opened my mind & heart immensely.

Underneath my ego, my attachment to the past, my depression, my lust, and all the other things that prevent me from living in a state of absolute harmony, lies a heart that is so full of unconditional love and infinite kindness and a deep genuine sincere appreciation for myself and therefore all living beings and creatures and plants of the Earth.

All people want is love and genuine connection and to truly be seen and valued.

Humor is Universal medicine.

There’s no such thing as “my story” and “my life”. That’s all an illusion of the self centered ego. What quality is more important than selfless loving service? The kind devoid of judgment and expectation of something in return.

The past and future are parts of the brain. Parts of the ego. In the spiritual sense, the present moment is all there Is. The present moment is All There Is.

It’s all One. In essence what that means to me is that there is only One of us. Everything is connected. 

The world is indescribably beautiful.

The qualities of playfulness, childlike awe and wonder are perhaps what I desire to have more of other than anything else. 

The soul doesn’t have a gender or sexual orientation or race. The soul is pure awareness.

I feel no guilt or anxiety or worry about sharing the fact that I consider myself bi-sexual now. Open to love and connection in all its many forms. Thank you Kage.

Mind altering substances can be incredibly empowering and enlightening and also incredibly destructive. It’s all about intention and why you use them. My philosophy now is to use mind altering plant substances like coffee, cannabis, kava, and kratom in moderation, and synthetic drugs very rarely. It’s a great place to be.

It’s all Love.