Brain Waves

An open letter to a soul whom I will probably never see again. 

This was many many moons ago. 

It was night out, and I felt like going on a little cruise. Hoverboard on. Backpack kid gliding out into the darkness. I made my way to the local park up the road. One of my favorite places to find stillness in my breath and wander around the trails and grassy terrain. It was a clear and crisp night. 

I posted up against the back of a school building. Sitting. Breathing. Stretching. Looking up at the sky. Thoughts passed through me of wondering what it would be like if more people ventured out of their homes, to connect and explore. We live in such an anti-social time. Covid or no covid, it's easier and more comfortable to stay at home and fall into the same patterns over and over again. 

A guy entered onto the park trail. As he walked around, I simply observed. The occasional trail light beamed down a soft orange glow lighting him up. That entire side of the park was surrounded by large walls, and the side I was on consisted of a large school. This dynamic of walls and buildings created a pool whereby sound could ricochet and bounce around. Echoing and flowing. 

Sounds starting coming from him, bouncing around the entire circular area we were both in. After a little bit I realized he had some type of drum sticks he was banging against his leg. The noise was cerebral and multi-layered. Put simply, it was awesome. I sat there back against the school building, out of sight from him, appreciating his own freedom and expression in the moment. 

After he made a full lap I sunk into some playful imagination. As he walked past one of the trail lights, I envisioned a portal opening up between me and him. A portal of connection and openness. He continued to walk around and jam out with his drum sticks, and then I initiated an interaction. He wasn't consciously aware I was even there before that, but the way he didn't hesitate for one second to come towards me was sweet. A kind of trust between us already. 

As we sat against the back of this school building we exchanged a few words, but came to the unseen understanding that we didn't need to go into details. We were both struggling in our own unique ways, and it was okay to just Be. To just Be, together. We are safe in this space. He continued to jam out with his drumsticks, as I did some stretching and light movement. What a sublime feeling. 

He's sitting against the school, jammin' out, taking some breaks, and I'm doing my own thing, cruising on my hoverboard, stretching, breathing. We are together in this space of acceptance. In the hour or so we interacted, we talked for 10 maybe 15 minutes total. 

This message is for you brother. I don't remember what your name is, but it doesn't matter. I have immense appreciation for you. That you are comfortable in your own skin. Comfortable with the silence. The space in between. Sending you all the love. I hope your journey is going well, I know you've been through the ringer, because I felt that through the silence. Wishing you abundance, joy, and greater clarity within. You will never know how much I appreciated that interaction. It was one of the only interactions I've had in my entire life, upon first meeting someone, where we were in a non-verbal space for much longer than a verbal space, and yet it was deeply satisfying. It touched me greatly. 

This interaction brings up all kinds of questions for you to contemplate, if you so desire. Why do we feel the need to talk so much? Have we all fallen into the habit of using linguistics too much? Why is silence in an interaction, even long periods, awkward? By talking, oftentimes superficially, are we avoiding how we truly feel? If you think about it from a neurophysiological perspective, talking activates a certain part of the brain, causing a certain type of brainwave to be emitted. Beta waves. The waves associated with rational thinking and logic. Who we think we are. 

But how deeply can we connect if we are always talking with each other, in the beta wave zone? Not to mention words are always shaded with our own experiences and filters and meanings. 

What if we could have more interactions where no words were shared? How would that change our relationships? How would that feel to sink into deeper brain wave states such as Alpha, Theta, and Delta together? Deeper states of feeling rather than thinking. 

Deeper joy and connection awaits us all in the deeper brain + heart waves beyond linguistics. 

Cycles of Nature

A few thoughts I wanted to share as we transition into the Spring Equinox.

I just learned this today, but many ancient cultures treated this event as the beginning of the new year. 

That idea alone sprouted some new and exciting connections that I have never thought about before. 

I have the image in my mind that making new goals and intentions to start on January 1st can be likened to trying to travel a long distance upstream. It's fighting the current. In the end, you may make some worthwhile strides forward, but you could easily burn yourself out in the process, or be completely derailed and give up because it's just too damn difficult.

On the other hand, making new goals and intentions to start on the Spring Equinox (March 20th for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere) can be likened to floating downstream. Going with the FLOW. No resistance. Truly an enjoyable ride floating into new territory, guided by the currents and energy of Mother Gaia. Feel into this idea for a moment. Spring time. A time of renewal and cleansing, new beginnings, and new growth. Warmer weather, more sunshine, longer days. Doesn't this feel like the most optimal time to start "New Year" resolutions, instead of January 1st? A time of rest and relaxation and hibernation. Colder temperatures, less sunshine, and shorter days. I'm not saying it would always be bad to set some new goals around that time, or that you won't succeed in reaching those, but think about how much easier and fluid those goals will be when Nature is on your side, helping to propel you forward into the new territory of your aspirations. 

That's a whole lot of energy not being truly utilized in my mind.  

It's shocking to me that I have never heard of this idea once in my entire life. An idea clear as day from a logical + intuitive perspective. And I know this idea isn't original. It definitely didn't come from me, but it felt inspiring to discover it for the first time. 

We REALLY need to examine all of these collective agreements we've made, such as the whole mentality of setting New Years resolutions to begin on January 1st. 

I wonder how many other agreements we've all made, that have absolutely no real foundation in truth. A world of human created illusions aye?

Would love to hear what you think. Does this idea resonate with you? 

A few intentions of mine for this time are drinking spring water, eating lots of vegetables, fruits, and herbs. Substitute most meat for fish. Detoxing with bentonite clay and liver + kidney drainage formulas + adaptogens (reishi mushroom, schisandra berry, he should wu, to name a few) for overall balance. Spending time outside in nature, sun bathing, exploring what kind of connection and creation is possible with a garden space, painting, dancing, meditating, yoga, cooking, barefoot walking, getting massages regularly. 

Memory

September 9, 2020

I went to this spot I haven’t been to in a long time. 

I lived with Jenny’s Mom for a week before I moved in here, and she had a place at these new luxury type condominiums. I kept the passcode handy and would go over there to smoke sometimes, cuz it’s three levels and has good views, and it was nearly vacant.

I went over this morning and smoked some cannabis + tobacco and really felt into an intention before I did, of just being present in the moment. Before I did I saw some lovely swallows, who for me, and true portals into multidimensional worlds. Some higher laws of love and connection. Where these creatures come into my life, the specific moments, and how they do, is pure alignment every time. Lil floating birds of freedom from Time and Space. A few small inhales and the tobacco hits my brain with pure presence instantly followed by the nuanced tones of mind and dimensions that comes with some prime leaf. 

 

Packed everything in my backpack, and posted up on the third level to sun bathe, and just Be. I continued to just let go of attachments. How often to do we truly just stop? Always going to the next moment, focused away from the present, always going somewhere. Some goal or destination. Where are we all going? And for a few moments, I’d be attached to the idea I just wrote down, the concept of it, and then let go of it into the actual moment. Distractions are illusive bastards. 

I just layed in the sun and got carried away on a wave into my own essence and consciousness. Closing my eyes a little bit and the fuzzy fractal geometry of the inside of my eye and how the light reflects off of it. The sounds of the moment. Door open. Couple voices. Footprints. Door close. Light breeze through the leaves. The green of the golf course. Nowhere to go but in. Swallows taking a spin right around me. Intuitional connection. Car whizzing by in the distance. The sun hitting my skin. Warmth enveloping my body and awareness. Imagine the consciousness of the Sun. What kind of connection can I have with the sun? Expanding my awareness. 

Imagination bringing in Higher Self kind of energy. Imagining portals of different colors opening up to me and creating a sacred orb of light around me. Creating my own angels that come from inside my own being and imagination. 

I’m in a lot of pain, but I’m not clinging to relieving it by going down to my car to get my ice pack. I’m not inching to go home or go anywhere. No music. No distractions. No goals. Dry mouth. No water. Groovy, here I am. There’s nothing to do and nowhere to go, but in that space is the moment expanding out in all directions. Awareness remembering itself. 

Hawks are flying in the distance. A few moments later they are close by, hovering  around, majestic wings, some fractal of love shot towards me and I vaporized it into imaginatively sprouting my own wings out of my shoulder blades. Ever changing colors and flow. Creating what different bodies can look like. Imagine creating your own body. 

Funneling into the pure awareness of the moment happening through this body. Linguistics struggle to explain the nuances of consciousness, and the feeling. Letting go of everything in the moment and absorbing the presence. Feeling everything as it is. Cold cement. Warm tingling of the sun. Heartbeat. The throbbing of my pain. Breath. Breathing in some wild imagination. 

Birds flying high in the sky. The blue sky & clouds against the backdrop of the mountains, red rock, and city dwellers. 

A hummingbird was sucking up some nectar from a nearby tree. I gazed mesmerizingly and soon after it flew up near me. Buzzing around in pure joy. God the movement and grace and vibration. Sucked into a pure space observing life with intense feeling, but mental detachment. It flew around me so close with such beauty, so close I could almost touch it at certain points. My heart melted in intense love and appreciation that made the energy in my hands glow. 

Intentionally creating my own angels and connections and almost instantly manifesting the magic of the heart and mind of the Universe. How deep does the love go? What’s possible with love and unity? 

Stop at every moment and soak it all in. Nowhere to go, but here. In my car putting on some old school Lincoln Park. Head banging around just enjoying the music for the pure enjoyment of the music. Ahhh wow the being-ness is all there is. So rich and full. Spontaneous video time. Wig and third eye... check. Phone check... rolling... lights... camera... action. Take one roll at it and it’s gold. Truly felt like making videos back in old times. 

I pull up Facebook and the first thing I see is a video from exactly one year ago when I was living at this condominium community. “Higher Timeline” is written at the top. And all the metaphors and connection of today’s experience crystallized in a moment. 

Especially cuz one of the intentions or feelings I blasted out today was wondering what it felt like for the Higher Self awareness. What does that feel like? To be in that state? To be that kind of being?

Cooking in my Cocoon

This game of awareness is very intricate, nuanced. The hidden grace of suffering so difficult to coax out of pain with any lasting clarity.

I arrived in Vermont on the 17th, a day after my birthday which was surely the best day of the year for me, overjoyed by how epic and surprising and magical it was, surrounded by people I love, co-creating a celebration that was so special and multidimensional. The first day at my parents I woke up violently ill. Vomiting the majority of the day, with cycles of diarrhea, my usual back pain amplified to the point of constant throbbing. Around my 7th time vomiting, Audrey had left the house to go for a walk because every time I went to the bathroom, violent purging echoed throughout the house. As I’m kneeling in front of the toilet in that awfully beautiful place, where I feel so nauseated in every cell of my body, but on the threshold of the after-vomit release, bringing some light heartedness to this mess, I yell to my dad in the other room, “Fire in the hole!” I explode, stumble into bed and within minutes the nausea creeps back in, and I’m faced with the decision to lay in that half bearable place of doing nothing, or pounding some more water in cycles so I can rid my body of this terror as quickly as possible.

“Do you want some Advil or Tylenol?” My mom peeks in as I’m lying in bed too dizzy and weak to do anything but lay there in dark agony.

“No.” I muster. “I don’t want to thwart my body’s healing process.”

Later that night as my throat is raw, lined with traces of stomach acid, my body empty and barren of vitality, the nausea finally drifted away, and then I couldn’t help but relieve myself with some Tylenol, and appreciated every second of the pain killing properties as I fell into a decent but disrupted unconscious escape.

The next day I slowly gained a little appetite back, and continued the long string of moments of not being able to do much of anything but breathe. Trying to be as neutral as I can. It’s just passing show.

In the evening I gently crawl into the bath, and minutes after it is all full, an impending nausea starts growing rapidly. The water is too hot. I feel sick, and I don’t want to puke in the bathtub. In a daze, the water drains and I stand up to spray some cold water all over my body, and a dizziness overtakes me so completely that I fall to my knees, in a sudden state of panic, I feel that I’m losing consciousness. Uncontrollable fear takes over and I find myself desperately crying out to the Universe for help. The icy cold water brings me back into a semi conscious state, as my whole body tingles on the edge of blacking out. I manage to focus on the task of exiting the bathroom and taking a hard right to my room. I stumble into bed, body soaked, in water and calm relief.

A few days later as some of my strength returns, I wake up to a nagging headache and a strange tension in my right eye. It progressively gets worse, swelling grows, little red veins spread throughout my eye, puss oozes out of both sides, and an uncomfortable heaviness pulses around my eye socket.

I ride it out. Continue to enjoy quality family time regardless. Day by day my eye gets worse, and then as fate would have it, a dry scratchy feeling slowly envelopes my left eye, I look in the mirror and see red veins creeping towards my pupils, like mycelium traveling through shiny white soil.

My right eye is almost completely shut it’s so swollen and inflamed, and now my left eye wants to bring in some equilibrium, I guess.

A few more days of no improvement so my Dad takes me to the hospital. The doc prescribed some antibiotic eye creme, which is all I wanted. The nurse, squeezing some of the jelly out under my eyelid, my eye now takes on the new role of a skillet on broil, searing this creme into my pus soaked and inflamed inner eye. This stuff is so harsh it dries up my eyeballs like juicy grapes that somehow fell into the Mojave desert at noon in the middle of Summer, transformed into dry old crackly raisins instantaneously. My vision is fuzzy for a few hours. I joke to my Dad on the way home, “so this is what your vision is like aye?”

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Bring my awareness into my body. Be with the sensations.

Another day of some prime skillet work from my eye, followed by more trips to the Mojave desert, and here I am. My right eye is finally inching in the direction of homeostasis, and my left eye, well, that’s debatable.

Soon before going to bed tonight, I feel the internal temperature of my body heating up, a slight nausea, and deep fatigue. I press a hand to my forehead. I have a fever... again. Whooptie-fuckin-doo.

As I lay in bed I unconsciously grab my phone, looking for a distraction from my back pain that is starting to flare up, half shut blood shot eyes, and an inner volcano of heat rising quickly. I know with this fever I may not be able to fall asleep for an hour or more, unless I take some Advil. I pause, remembering something I wrote in my journal a few days ago,

“Feel all your feelings, acknowledge them, and always remind yourself of your wholeness. Don’t buy into the ego trip of thinking you need to fill the void.”

I then place my phone back where it was, sinking into all the sensations of the moment. Anyone that has been around me the last 19 months, knows that at times I can be restless due to ruthless back pain, to the point where I’m constantly moving around, stretching, elevating my legs, changing positions, trying to find relief. In bed I set an intention out load of “finding some peace and equanimity in the discomfort.”

As I tossed and turned, deepening my breath, letting go of trying to change anything, my body relaxed. Bits of resistance flared up here and there, but I sunk into it. My body vibrated and tensed up, and then I exhaled. Tears streamed down my face, sounds of a deeply distraught human oozed out me, emotional pain finding expression through the liquid. I’ve been so controlled by pain for so many months that I don’t know how to perceive it in a more positive light. I don’t know how to not feel disempowered by the heaviness of daily pain. Even though I want to believe that everything I’m experiencing is for the highest good of my evolution and the evolution of All, and I will find a way through this, a part of me just can’t accept that as truth. It’s too bleak. The road too rugged and barren.

I feel like a walking paradox.

A deeply wounded healer.





I share this to help the pain find the expression it needs in the moment.

I’d prefer it if you would leave your sympathies somewhere else. Thank you ♥️ and thanks for taking the time to read this saucy peace of suffering.